Weak Hero Class 1&2 Thoughts

Warning: contains spoilers of weak hero class 1 & 2English is my second language so bear with me.You also have to keep in mind that I have not read the webtoon and only know some snippets from it. I also don't know when or if I'm going to read it in the future or not. LOLIf I want I might add to this at a later time and will make a new sectionfor it or something. I try to update on this on Twitter/X as well.

My Weak hero playlist

If you like to listen to it while reading this.my weak hero playlistThe Rose - Sorry
Woodz - Drowning
Ailee – Meaning
Park Jihoon – Crashing for
Benson Boone - beautiful things
Demi Lovato - two worlds collideOne Ok Rock:
push back
head high
the pilot
decision

Storytime

Once upon a time there was a girl... Like how does one start this?Basically how this all started was me deciding to enter my second fandom ever and become a may last year. I've known of Jihoon's existence since I saw him in Love Revolution in 2020. Since then I became interested in him and tried to not miss any new dramas or movies with him in it. Which led me to watch At a distance spring is green next and after that I someohow ended up watching Weak Hero Class 1 (and the rest of his filmography after that).Sadly I never documented my first time watching Weak Hero Class 1 (whc1). What I mainly remember is, that I got traumatized from watching it basically, that's how big of an impact it left on me. I remember how much I hated Beomseok to the point everytime I got to see Hong Kyung afterwards I felt disturbed and disgusted and just... didn't like him. Sometimes this happens to me and I can't help myself, but this is how they make me feel, even though I know at the end of the day it's all just acting. Luckily this changed later. So basically this is all I got left of my memory before rewatching it this year.Because I am part of Jihoon's fandom now, I also started to get to know about season 2 coming up and went through all the stages of wondering when it's going to come out and where and how and why is everyone lying. LOL It was a whole journey not gonna lie. It made me so excited for the second season.Which made me start thinking back to my first experience realizing, I don't remember shit. My memory slowly started to come back basically living on Twitter/X watching all those clips pop up on my timeline. Suddenly remembering how fricking hilarious the scene with Youngi was and her eating the lipstick to steal it and Sieun's face when he witnessed that all. My hate for Beomseok was also coming back. Me remembering what left the most impact on me. Everyone kept spamming that one viral scene again and me starting to wonder how anyone could rewatch this so many times without not going completely insane. I'm still wondering the same exact thing by the way.So I couldn't wait any longer to watch season 2. Finally the release date got announced and everyone was getting even more excited. Season 1 got released prior to Weak Hero Class 2 (whc2) on Netflix so everyone could go and rewatch that again. So here I was, terrified to rewatch the first season. LOL Like how does one even do that? And then I saw this Twitter/X thread talking about the quote from Demian that got displayed in the first episode of whc1 and OP having a go on what the placement of this quote could mean and how the story of Demian could correlate with whc1.Return: The Promise of The Day : End of September 2020This got me highly interested because I remembered reading Demian once before after watching that military musical Lee Hongki and Lee Jaejin were playing in. Those are 2 members from ftisland, my first ever fandom. That I'm still a part of by the way. LOL Back then they were both still enlisted hence the "military". It was 2020 in the middle of the pandemic. End of September. I just totally looked that up. LOL But I don't remember the exact date anymore. They live streamed the whole thing. So ofcourse I had to get tickets to watch the livestream. Which, thinking back now, I don't know if that was a good idea or not. Damn that musical completely destroyed me. I think they even had subtitles if I remember correctly. I was just watching like a completely normal person until something very sad happened in the story. Like I never was into anyhting military. Cause everything military makes me think of war and death and trauma and sadness. I actually didn't want to watch the whole thing. I contemplated so hard, if I should watch this musical or not. But I couldn't miss out seeing my 2 favorite people perform on stage right? So basically what happened was something that never happened to me before with that intensity. The story got me so hard it made me cry like I've never cried before. I literally had troubles breathing. It was so bad, I was about to turn off the whole thing without even finishing it. In the end I somehow managed to watch the whole thing. Like you have to know I am that type of person who can get very immersed into a story and I do cry a lot. But this was the first time it was way more intense than any other time I cried because of a story before.One Ok Rock Concert Livestream : 11th October 2020Fast forward just a few weeks essentially. So while we're at the topic of crying let me finish this. And yes I had to look it up again. One Ok Rock first gianormous livestream in 2020, when they performed a full concert in a stadium in japan all by themselves with the staff and all. Amazing concert by the way do highly recommend. Again: it's in the middle of the pandemic, so what did we all do? Exactly, stayed home and watched other people work and livestream it. I was actually looking forward to this so much. I was missing going to concerts and seeing them live. So ofcourse I immediately had to press buy when I found out they're going to do this. Little did I know what was waiting for me.A few weeks or so. No I am definitely 1000 % NOT going to look this up (definitely looked it up... and it was a few month ago... ). - One of my favorite japanese actors Miura Haruma passed away. More like he took his own life /found dead (as what I read online, so don't quote me on that cause after those news I was done reading anything online...) in the cruelest way you could think of in my opinion. One Ok Rock and Taka especially where friends with him for a long time already. So ofcourse they had to pay tribute to him. And again here I was watching and enjoying their concert to the fullest unaware of what was to come. Suddenly they started to play a song and the vibe got kinda sad and all. I was surprised as to what was going on and not understanding. Then some text got shown on screen. The moment I read that text going something like: this is in thought of Miura Haruma and so on. (It was their song c.h.a.o.s.m.y.t.h. by the way, where every letter stands for the name of a dear friend.) Something hit me so hard I almost choked. Mind you in that moment in the span of a few seconds I realized what I was reading and what was happening. I started crying so bad. Again I wasn't able to breathe correctly and I was just in pain upon what I just read and my realization of what they where doing. And again all I wanted was to turn off the livestream, because I just could not deal anymore. So this was my 2nd time having such an extreme reaction. (And yes I did finish watching it.)Those two reactions already felt so personal, so real. As if I was part of the story of the musical. As if I personally knew Miura Haruma or something. Like I understood my second reaction. Cause that just made sense. I really loved this guy a lot and he was one of those actors in almost all the J-Dramas and movies that I started out with on my whole asian drama/movie journey. He was special to me in a way. But the extreme reaction to that military musical was totally new to me. But I just brushed it all off in the end trying to step away and leave it as this thing that happened to me years ago. But who knows maybe it was all the remnant from my multiple crying sessions in 2019, cause of everything that was happening with ftisland, them enlisting and all that "good" stuff.. Hehe.. No.. just no. Really no guys. I think I got severly traumatized or something...Essentially my reason for reading Demian was because it got mentioned in the military musical. LOL Yeah you didn't think I would actually come back to this didn't you? LOL Lucky me the story is originally in german (I am german by thw way. LOL) plus I work in a library that had that book which made things so much easier. Damn that book is so fricking interesting. At first I was like wtf is this language. LOL Cause it's an old book guys. Like I don't read these kind of books like, ever. It also took me about 6 hours straight of reading the whole thing. LOL Why I remember this so well? Because I usually don't finish a book this fast. I mean the story isn't even that long. All this because I wanted to tell you my reason for reading Demian the first time around. LOLBasically I got highly interested into re-reading Demian and then I started this whole mission. LOL Like I personally don't like Netflix not to mention that I actually hate it... for multiple reasons I am NOT going to get into. LOL I usually watch all these asian dramas/movies on random websites all over the internet because I am that cheap and just don't want to pay extra. In my defense I do have a small collection of asian dramas/movies on dvd and blu-ray and look at me paying for Netflix now. LOL Gotta have to remember to leave my subscription after that one month is over. LOL (Accidentally prolonged for one more month but I did in fact cancelled it now guys. LOL) So basically I came up with this whole big plan. I already saw multiple dramas before that got second or third seasons or more and I never rewatched the seasons prior, mainly cause I usually remembered a lot anyways, so it wasn't even necessary. I remembered how I wanted to rewatch the old seasons of Alice in borderland before watching the new ones, but I just could not do it... Season 1 was far too much.. Talking about getting traumatized... geez... But I'm a fan now remember? I'm a may now. I can't just go and watch season 2. I can't just go and watch that on some random website online. I really wanted to do it right this time. So I decided to re-read Demian and re-watch whc1 and then watch whc2 like do it all in like 2 days or something like that. That was the initial plan. Then all the fricking spoilers and talking about whc2 happened like it wasn't even out yet guys! I was about to go insane because I also wanted to participate in the promotions and hype it all up as well. And then it got released and even more spoilers came out. LOL Like I also wanted to not be online but.. clearly that didn't work. Everything went well so far until... stupid ass me spoiled the ending for herself. I was just casually on instagram on my explore page as one does right. Then I saw this reel and was wondering what that is and who that is and it looked like Hyunwook. LOL I should have stopped right there... but I wanted to know more. So I stared at my explore page in silence at this in-audible video playing of Hyunwook in a wheelchair while realizing what the fuck I was just looking at. LOL Upon my realization I literally started to scream and through my phone somewhere onto my bed and then started to roll on my bed in utter disbelief of what dumb shit I just did. This whole thing ended with me starting a mantra: "I didn't see anything!" LOL Like I was trying to erase what I just saw out of my head. LOL While also trying to sleep and starting to come up with all sorts of different scenarios in my head to not have to think about what I literally just saw. Someone gotta punch me the next time they see me wanting to be offline cause spoilers, whenever they do be seeing me being online...Damn it took me far too long to write all of this down... Like it has been literally over 2 weeks since I binge-watched whc1&2. LOL So here I went finally re-reading Demian with whc1 in mind. Damn that was wild. So many things suddenly started to make sense. So many things to think about. I feel like I could re-read Demian more often an I'd still find something that I didn't catch before or have more random realizations. Reaching the end I suddenly started to tear up and then just ended up crying. I didn't expect to cry re-reading Demian. I was so confused, that I was sitting in my chair crying while at the same time asking myself why the heck am I even crying? Took me forever to re-read it this time though, because of all the parts in the book I basically turned yellow. LOL Yeah no... I never knew how to mark properly. LOL But good for me it's an e-book so it literally doesn't matter. I was contemplating about buying an e-book as I knew I could just read it fro free online. But I wouldn't be able to mark things. So I bought the e-book on google play books so that I can also see all my markings listed for me to later copy and paste into.. whatever this here even is. LOLNow that re-reading Demian took me a whole day. LOL It was finally time to re-watch whc1 on the 27th, after I already started my subscription on Netflix on the 25th. LOL Yes.. I actually wanted to just watch it then and there... But then I remembered my mission, that I had to complete.. Plus me also being too tired to comprehend anything just postpones everything again. So Sunday it was. The worst choice I could have ever made. First I took forever being online and eating my lunch, as one does. Cause there is no way I could watch this eating lunch. Yes I tried... Couldn't focus LOL It was already getting late and I just wanted to start, but then I had to eat.. Yes.. I.. uhm.. Yeah...Why does this take me so long to write? Can anyone please... Seriously.. I haven't even gotten to the fricking point yet, like the sole reason I'm doing this for in the first place..So little did I know what emotional distress was awaiting me, I just started to re-watch whc1 in full excitement. The more I progressed the sadder I got. Just to end it all in me having the worst crying reaction I've ever had in my entire life before. I told you about my other big ones before who were quite similar. But this one? What in the world was going on?! I think I was doing the immersing thing way too much or something. I was crying so hard. I couldn't focus on anything straight anymore. I was about to lose my bloody mind. Couldn't breathe correctly. Was having cold sweats. Started to get cold and also getting a headache while trying to calm the fuck down and stop crying. Like I was feeling very sad and crying but I was also doing the same thing but my mind was wondering what the hell is going on and how to make it stop. I was shaking and couldn't control my breathing while uncontrollably crying with and without tears. In this situation, I also tried to write down everything in Twitter/X (Look in the Links etc. Section for this.). Like I felt like what could be similar to someone maybe not seeing someone die in front of them but like just getting this "phonecall" of doom that someone dear to you just passed away. Like I already passed the whole realization stage kind of thing and landed in this "oh my god this is real" and going insane and panicking kind of mode. Like I got so immersed into the god damn story. I was able to relate way too much. Like one could say I basically turned into Sieun at this point or something. Cause I basically looked like him not knowing how to deal with his frustration and the hate and and... I'm going to link all my tweets here as well so you can look at them for your enjoyment I guess. LOL I even wrote in korean, this is how much I was just not. Like I'm still wondering what in the world that reaction was.So what I had to do was is to calm the fuck down. Cause that was just whc1 right. We still have the second season to go. Like it was almost 9pm on a fricking sunday. And here I was having a full on.. I don't even know what to call this- kind of moment. So I went and brewed hot water for tea. LOL Grabbed myself a hoodie to put on. Which.. Might have not been the best idea not gonna lie. LOL Because it was a One Ok Rock merch-hoodie, that I used for my whc1 Sieun cosplay thingie, that I did. LOL But I digress. So I sat there, everything ready to go, still feeling weird and started whc2.

And you would think, I would watch whc2 and be done with it and go to bed. WRONG! Oh.. So wrong. I ended this whole thing around.. Twitter/X says almost 3 am. Yes! Almost 3 am in the morning of le work-monday. That kind of time. I was getting totally into my feels with seeing Suho in that wheelchair and almost stated to cry. And yes I think my mantra and spell actually worked. LOL But I think re-reading Demian and re-watching whc1 and me having my extreme reaction must have helped to forget that my dumbass self already sppiled myself. LOL And then the other ending came and totally threw me out of me getting into another crying session and got me all confused. And then I sat there. Tweeted that I was done watching. And all of a sudden this whole fucking intense reaction started to happen all over again and maybe even harder than before. All I wanted to do was to go and nap in bed or something because I had to go to work in like.. I don't know 2 hours or so? LOL So here I was again losing my bloody mind. Choking, not able to breathe properly, crying, shivering, cold sweats, cramping up, while also trying to snap out of it in those moments I wasn't actually sad and just wanting my body to stop. But I couldn't. I literally layed down in bed just to continue to be this wriggly worm in bed all cramping up as well. In between calming down before starting all over again. Literally guys, I have absolutely zero clue what the fuck happened to me. Guess my non-sleep-shedule-self and emotional-as-fuck-self got overly immersed into those 2 seasons and related too strongly, that almost everything was very triggering even if I didn't fully realized it in that moment. And all of this coming together was just leaving my body become like this crying mess. Somehow I wished I filmed myself, so i would have something to show you as proof. Cause I know anyone could just write whatever the heck they want. But I'm also glad I didn't, cause I don't know if you'd even like to see that. LOL But.. Well.. Use your imagination. Like I hope I expained it well enough to give you a visual of me going insane. LOLBelieve it or not I did actually somehow ended up calming down, maybe I even slept for like 5 seconds. I. Don't. Know. LOL And then. Yes you guessed it. I did in fact go to work that day. I was even doing a totally fine job, as I always do. Like no difference. Besides the fact of me constantly wanting to start crying all over again or something. LOL I was so done, like I never was before. As I said I work in a library right. So le me had to go and get books that got ordered. Then it was tiny me vs book on the top of the shelf. Like.. ofcourse.. I'm just too small for this job honestly. So while trying to get that book, like I usually do, ofocurse le book had to slip and fall.. Right on my bloody forehead. And again I was just there wanting to burst into tears not having this shit no more. But I didn't and was able to control myself and there was also nobody around to see. LOL And then I arrived at my desk, I saw those pens in front of me. Like looking at them telling myself to maybe not touch any pens today, or in the future.So this was roughly my journey of re-reading Demian, re-watching whc1 and watching whc2. THE END. LOL No this is not the end. I just didn't know how to write whatever this is even going to be so I started with writing down my whole watching experience before I go into my thoughts to also bring myself back into the vibe. The vibe of.. I don't know.. Suffering?I started writng this note? May 4th. Haha.. May 4th. And now it's June the 22nd. Like.. What the fuck am I even doing. Me wanting to write this thing every-single-fucking-day. But instead I'm just here doing nothing while also driving myself insane cause I do in fact want to write down all the things that kept going around in my head.Let's try and write down my thoughts I had while watching and after watching season 1 and 2 shall we?

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Hermann Hesse : Demian X Weak hero

"Man muß immer fragen, man muß immer zweifeln. (…)
Demian, Hermann Hesse ; Drittes Kapitel : Der Schächer (S. 46)
“You should always ask questions, you must always doubt. (…)I saw a thread on Twitter/X from someone analyzing the quote seen in the first episode of season one from a book called Demian by Hermann Hesse and the connection with weak hero class 1 (whc1). As I've already read the book once before this thought intrigued me and I wanted to re-read it before watching the first season. So this is what I ended up doing and at the end of reading it i just started to tear up and then went into uncontrollably crying mode. I did not expet to have such an intense reaction but everything started to make so much more sense with the faint memory I had left from watching whc1 after it came out a few years ago. So here are the parts/quotes that reminded me of weak hero class 1&2 (whc1&2).Darum ist jedes Menschen Geschichte wichtig, ewig, göttlich, darum ist jeder Mensch, solange er irgend lebt und den Willen der Natur erfüllt, wunderbar und jeder Aufmerksamkeit würdig. In jedem ist der Geist Gestalt geworden, in jedem leidet die Kreatur, in jedem wird ein Erlöser gekreuzigt.
Vorwort - S. 4For that reason the history of everyone is important, eternal, divine. For that reason every man, so long as he lives at all and carries out the will of nature, is wonderful and worthy of every attention. In everyone has the spirit taken shape, in everyone creation suffers, in everyone is a redeemer crucified.Meine Geschichte ist nicht angenehm, sie ist nicht süß und harmonisch wie die erfundenen Geschichten, sie schmeckt nach Unsinn und Verwirrung, nach Wahnsinn und Traum wie das Leben aller Menschen, die sich nicht mehr belügen wollen.
Vorwort – S.4/5My story is not pleasant, it is not sweet and harmonious like the fictitious stories. It smacks of nonsense and perplexity, of madness and dreams, like the lives of all men who do not wish to delude themselves any longer. The life of everyone is a way to himself, the search for a road, the indication of a path.Das Leben jedes Menschen ist ein Weg zu sich selber hin, der Versuch eines Weges, die Andeutung eines Pfades.
Vorwort – S.5The life of everyone is a way to himself, the search for a road, the indication of a path.++ This reminded me of Sieun so much. Like the world he used to know and grew up in suddenly changing and evolving. Starting to experience all these new things he never experienced before. Getting thrown into this new unknown world he has yet to explore.Manchmal wußte ich: mein Ziel im Leben war, so wie mein Vater und meine Mutter zu werden, so hell und rein, so überlegen und geordnet; aber bis dahin war der Weg weit, bis dahin mußte man Schulen absitzen und studieren und Proben und Prüfungen ablegen, und der Weg führte immerzu an der anderen, dunkleren Welt vorbei, durch sie hindurch, und es war gar nicht unmöglich, daß man bei ihr blieb und in ihr versank. Es gab Geschichten von verlorenen Söhnen, denen es so gegangen war, ich hatte sie mit Leidenschaft gelesen. Da war stets die Heimkehr zum Vater und zum Guten so erlösend und großartig, ich empfand durchaus, daß dies allein das Richtige, Gute und Wünschenswerte sei, und dennoch war der Teil der Geschichte, der unter den Bösen und Verlorenen spielte, weitaus der lockendere, und wenn man es hätte sagen und gestehen dürfen, war es eigentlich manchmal geradezu schade, daß der Verlorene Buße tat und wieder gefunden wurde.
Erstes Kapitel : Zwei Welten – S. 7At times I realized this: my aim in life was to grow up like my father and mother, as bright and pure, as systematic and superior. But the road to attainment was long, you had to go to school and study and pass tests and examinations. The road led past the other dark world and through it, and it was not improbable that you would remain there and be buried in it. There were stories of prodigal sons to whom that had happened—I was passionately fond of reading them. There the return home to father and to the respectable world was always so liberating and so sublime, I quite felt that this alone was right and good and desirable. But still that part of the stories which dealt with the wicked and profligate was by far the most alluring, and if one had been allowed to acknowledge it openly, it was really often a great pity that the prodigal repented and was redeemed.++ This is yet another Sieun thing. Him just wanting to be this model student cause he didn't know anything else but at the same time being intrigued by everything else around him that he didn't dare to even think about to truly explore.Es begann ein Gespräch, und die Knaben kamen ins Rühmen und Großtun mit allerlei Schülerheldentaten und bösen Streichen. Ich schwieg und fürchtete doch, gerade durch mein Schweigen aufzufallen und den Zorn des Kromer auf mich zu lenken. Meine beiden Kameraden waren von Anfang an von mir abgerückt und hatten sich zu ihm bekannt, ich war ein Fremdling unter ihnen und fühlte, daß meine Kleidung und Art für sie herausfordernd sei. Als Lateinschüler und Herrensöhnchen konnte Franz mich unmöglich lieben, und die beiden anderen, das fühlte ich wohl, würden mich, sobald es darauf ankäme, verleugnen und im Stich lassen. Endlich begann ich aus lauter Angst auch zu erzählen. Ich erfand eine große Räubergeschichte, zu deren Helden ich mich machte.
Erstes Kapitel : Zwei Welten – S. 10He began a conversation, and the boys vied with one another in bragging of schoolboy exploits and pranks. I was silent, and yet, if I said nothing, I was afraid of calling attention to myself and inciting Kromer’s anger against me. My two comrades had from the beginning turned their backs on me, and had sided with him; I was a stranger among them, and I felt my clothes and manner to be a provocation. It was impossible that Frank should like me, a Latin schoolboy and the son of a gentleman, and the other two, I felt, as soon as it came to the point, would disown me and leave me in the lurch. At last, through mere fright, I also began to[Pg 11] relate a story. I invented a long narration of theft, of which I made myself the hero.++ This part could be Beomseok trying to impress his new friends, getting the girls, suddenly having all these stories he can share. But at the end of the day it all feels awfully fake cause this is not him and he doesn't even really like them and he actually wanted something completey different to begin with. But they see him and acknowledge him and give him attention. Praise him for the dumbest things. But he also knows he can't escape this anymore. This is his jail he created himself and if he were to leave them, they might come after him and everything's gonna repeat itself. So he just falls deeper into the darkness he let himself walk into.Noch heute, glaube ich, würde Kromers Pfiff mich erschrecken machen, wenn ich ihn plötzlich wieder hörte. Ich hörte ihn von nun an oft, mir schien, ich höre ihn immer und immerzu. Kein Ort, kein Spiel, keine Arbeit, kein Gedanke, wohin dieser Pfiff nicht drang, der mich abhängig machte, der jetzt mein Schicksal war.
Erstes Kapitel : Zwei Welten – S.19Even to-day, I believe, Kromer’s whistle would terrify me if I heard it again suddenly. From then on I heard it often. It seemed I heard it continually and always. No place, no game, no work, no idea in which this whistle would not sound. I was dependent on it, it was now the messenger of my fate.++ This part reminded me of the mentioned "pavlov's conditioning / pavlov's reveleation". Sieun telling them that they're stupid cause they didn't seem to have learned yet. He clicked his pen and they immediately got scared cause the memory flashed before their eyes. And that was enough to make them leave him alone.Mein Zustand zu jener Zeit war eine Art von Irrsinn. Mitten im geordneten Frieden unseres Hauses lebte ich scheu und gepeinigt wie ein Gespenst, hatte nicht teil am Leben der andern, vergaß mich selten für eine Stunde. Gegen meinen Vater, der mich oft gereizt zur Rede stellte, war ich verschlossen und kalt.
Erstes Kapitel : Zwei Welten – S. 21My state at that time was a sort of insanity. I was shy and lived in torment like a ghost in the midst of the well-ordered peace of our house. I had no part in the others’ lives, and could seldom, even for as much as an hour, forget[Pg 29] my miserable existence. In the presence of my father, who often took me to task in an irritated fashion, I was reserved and wrapped up in myself.++ This fits with both season's versions of Sieun. This whole thing of him escaping into his room, escaping to studying, distracting his mind. His father and/or his parents wanted to talk to him in the past and present after how they treated him. And in conclusion this made him just live his life going from home to school and back and into his room and so on and so forth as if he's a ghost who can't be seen.Die Rettung aus meinen Qualen kam von ganz unerwarteter Seite, und zugleich mit ihr kam etwas Neues in mein Leben, das bis heute fortgewirkt hat.
Zweites Kapitel : Kain – S. 22Deliverance from my troubles came from quite an unexpected quarter, and with it something new entered into my life, which has up to the present day exercised a strong influence.++ This is a very obvious one don't you think? This is obviously Suho for Sieun. That one person who suddenly appeared in his life and ending up saving him and after the incident which led Suho into a coma, his presence still lingers in his whole being basically."man kann diese Geschichte von Kain auch ganz anders auffassen. Die meisten Sachen, die man uns lehrt, sind gewiß ganz wahr und richtig, aber man kann sie alle auch anders ansehen, als die Lehrer es tun, und meistens haben sie dann einen viel besseren Sinn. (…)
Zweites Kapitel : Kain – S. 23“I think one can conceive this story of Cain quite differently. Most things we are taught are certainly quite true and right, but one can consider them all from a different standpoint from the master’s, and most of them have a much better meaning then. (…)++ This reminded me of how Sieun told Suho that Beomseok is just lonely and he wanted to help him so bad cause he was able to understand him. He was able to, not just because he experienced similar things, but also cause I feel like it was because of the whole scientific and mathematical approach he had going on. The way he had to figure out what to do as someone who never learned any martial arts skills and is also physically handicapped with his history of faintings and is basically totally out of shape as to what we saw in PE class. So all of this just shows that he is capable of thinking outside the box."Ganz einfach! Das, was vorhanden war und womit die Geschichte ihren Anfang genommen hat, war das Zeichen. Es war da ein Mann, der hatte etwas im Gesicht, was den andern Angst machte. Sie wagten nicht, ihn anzurühren, er imponierte ihnen, er und seine Kinder. Vielleicht, oder sicher, war es aber nicht wirklich ein Zeichen auf der Stirn, so wie ein Poststempel, so grob geht es im Leben selten zu. Viel eher war es etwas kaum wahrnehmbares Unheimliches , ein wenig mehr Geist und Kühnheit im Blick, als die Leute gewohnt waren. Dieser Mann hatte Macht, vor diesem Mann scheute man sich. Er hatte ein >Zeichen<. Man konnte das erklären, wie man wollte. Und >man< will immer das, was einem bequem ist und recht gibt. Man hatte Furcht vor den Kainskindern, sie hatten ein >Zeichen<. Also erklärte man das Zeichen nicht als das, was es war, als eine Auszeichnung, sondern als das Gegenteil. Man sagte. Die Kerls mit diesem Zeichen seien unheimlich, und das waren sie auch. Leute mit Mut und Charakter sind den anderen Leuten immer sehr unheimlich. Daß da ein Geschlecht von Furchtlosen und Unheimlichen herumlief, war sehr unbequem, und nun hängte man diesem Geschlecht einen Übernamen und eine Fabel an, um sich an ihm zu rächen, um sich für all die ausgestandene Furcht ein bißchen schadlos zu halten. Begreifst du?"
Zweites Kapitel : Kain – S.23/24"Ja und nein. So alte, uralte Geschichten sind immer wahr, aber sie sind nicht immer so aufgezeichnet und werden nicht immer so erklärt, wie es richtig wäre. Kurz, ich meine, der Kain war ein famoser Kerl, und bloß, weil man Angst vor ihm hatte, hängte man ihm diese Geschichte an. Die Geschichte war einfach ein Gerücht, so etwas, was die Leute herumschwätzen, und es war insofern ganz wahr, als Kain und seine Kinder ja wirklich eine Art > Zeichen < trugen und anders waren als die meisten Leute"
Zweiter Kapitel : Kain – S. 24/25"O doch! Sicher ist das wahr. Der Starke hatte einen schwachen erschlagen. Ob es wirklich sein Bruder war, daran kann man ja zweifeln. Es ist nicht wichtig, schließlich sind alle Menschen Brüder. Also ein Starker hat einen Schwachen totgeschlagen. Vielleicht war es eine Heldentat, vielleicht auch nicht. Jedenfalls aber waren die andern Schwachen jetzt voller Angst, sie beklagten sich sehr, und wenn man sie fragte : > Warum schlagt ihr ihn nicht einfach auch tot ? < dann sagten sie nicht : > Weil wir Feiglinge sind <, sondern sie sagten : > Man kann nicht . Er hat ein Zeichen. Gott hat ihn gezeichnet. Etwa so muß der Schwindel entstanden sein. (…)
Zweites Kapitel : Kain – S. 25“Quite simply! The essential fact, and the point of departure of the story, was the sign. Here was a man who had something in his face which terrified other people. They did not dare to molest him, he made a big impression on them, he and his children. Perhaps, or rather certainly, it was not really a sign on his forehead like an office stamp—things are not as simple as that in real life. I would sooner think it was something scarcely perceptible, of a peculiar nature—a little more intelligence and boldness in his look than people were accustomed to. This man had power, other people shrank from him. He had a ‘sign.’ One could explain that as one wished. And one always wishes what is convenient and agrees with one’s opinions. People were afraid of Cain’s children, they had a ‘sign.’ And so they explained the sign not as it really was, a distinction, but as the contrary. The fellows with this sign were said to be peculiar, and they were courageous as well. People with courage and character are always called peculiar by other people. That a race of fearless and peculiar men should rove about was very embarrassing. And so people attached a surname and a story to this race, in order to revenge themselves on it, in order to compensate themselves more or less[Pg 35] for all the terror with which it had inspired them. Do you understand?”“Yes and no. Such ancient, primitive stories are always true, but they have not always been recorded and explained in the proper manner. In short, I mean that Cain was a thundering good fellow, and this story got attached to his name simply because people were afraid of him. The story was merely a report, something people might have set going in a gossiping way, and it was true in so far as Cain and his children did actually wear a sort of ‘sign’ and were different from most people.”“Not at all! It is certainly true. The strong man killed a weak one. One may doubt of course whether it was really his brother or not. It is not important, for, in the end, all men are brothers. A strong man, then, has killed a weak one. Perhaps it was a deed of heroism, perhaps it was not. But in any case the other weak people were terrified, they lamented and complained, and when they were asked: ‘Why don’t you simply kill him as well?’ they did not answer, ‘Because we are cowards,’ but they said instead: ‘You can’t. He has a sign. God has singled him out!’ The humbug must have arisen something after this style (…)

++ Very long paragraphs now I know... Basically three quotes. I just needed to include the whole thing for a better understanding. Basically what I want to showcase with this one is: Sieun's eyes. That's his mark basically. Also that Sieun is a straight A student and getting rewarded for it, making him the model student, adding to the whole intimidating cold aura that he's giving off to others. And this dialogue explains it so well what can make other people fear you or be intimidated by you, even though you literally didn't do anything at all. This might be why he was left alone most of the time until someone just got bored out of their mind and annoyed by his presence. Annoyed by how different he is from others and this whole straight A thing and Sieun coming in 1st place and all just added to it.*1 Oh Beomseok – Story of Cain and Abel – Content: Oh Beomseok Extras(…) Ich habe da aber ein einfaches Mittel. Ich seh ihm jedesmal ganz, ganz fest in die Augen. Das vertragen fast alle Leute schlecht. Sie werden alle unruhig. Wenn du von jemand etwas erreichen willst und siehst ihm unerwartet ganz fest in die Augen, und er wird gar nicht unruhig, dann gib es auf! Du erreichst nichts bei ihm nie! Aber das ist sehr selten. Ich weiß eigentlich bloß einen einzigen Menschen, bei dem es mir nicht hilft ."
Drittes Kapitel : Der Schächer - S. 47(…) But I have a simple means at my disposal. I look at him very, very fixedly in the eyes. Hardly anyone can bear that. They always get restive. If you want to get something out of a person, and you fix him unexpectedly with your eyes, and if he doesn’t get restive, then give it up! You won’t get anything out of him, ever! But that happens seldom. I know only one single person with whom this trick won’t help me.”++ Another very obvious one for Sieun. It's his eyes and how he looks at people. The ending of this quote reminded me of Suho. Sieun doesn't get flustered when Suho looks as him. I might be wrong. (Damn guys I have too much in my brain.. It's been days already... Everything is starting to fade..)(…) Aber ich will dir etwas sagen –: hier ist einer von den Punkten, wo man den Mangel in dieser Religion sehr deutlich sehen kann. Es handelt sich darum, daß dieser ganze Gott, alten und neuen Bundes, zwar eine ausgezeichnete Figur ist, aber nicht das, was er doch eigentlich vorstellen soll. Er ist das Gute, das Edle, das Väterliche, das Schöne und auch Hohe, das Sentimentale – ganz recht! Aber die Welt besteht auch aus anderem. Und das wird nun alles einfach dem Teufel zugeschrieben, und dieser ganze Teil der Welt, diese ganze Hälfte wird unterschlagen und totgeschwiegen. Gerade wie sie Gott als Vater alles Lebens rühmen, aber das ganze Geschlechtsleben, auf dem das Leben doch beruht, einfach totschweigen und womöglich für Teufelszeug und sündlich erklären! Ich habe nichts dagegen, daß man diesen Gott Jehova verehrt, nicht das mindeste. Aber ich meine, wir sollen alles verehren und heilig halten, die ganze Welt, nicht bloß diese künstlich abgetrennte, offizielle Hälfte! Also müssen wir dann neben dem Gottesdienst auch einen Teufelsdienst haben. Das fände ich richtig. Oder aber, man müßte sich einen Gott schaffen, der auch den Teufel in sich einschließt, und vor dem man nicht die Augen zudrücken muß, wenn die natürlichsten Dinge von der Welt geschehen.
Drittes Kapitel : Der Schächer - S. 50(…) But I’ll tell you something: this is one of the points where one can clearly see the shortcomings of this religion. The fact is that this God, of the old and of the new dispensation, may be an excellent conception, but He is not what He really ought to be. He is everything that is good, noble, fatherly, beautiful, sublime and sentimental certainly! But the world consists of other things which are simply ascribed to the devil. All this part of the world, a good half, is suppressed and hushed up. Just the same as they praise God as the Father of all life, but pass over the whole sex-life, on which all life depends, and declare it to be sinful and the work of the devil! I have nothing to say against honoring this God Jehovah, nothing at all. But I think we should reverence everything andlook upon the whole world as sacred, not merely this artificially separated, official half of it! We ought then to worship the devil as well as God. I should find that quite right. Or we ought to create a God, who would embody the devil as well, and before whom we should not have to close our eyes, when the most natural things in the world take place.”++ This reminded me of Sieun or maybe also the story of whc1&2 as a whole. This whole thing of trying to find the balance between good and evil. Trying to see beyond the evil. Not get blinded by the veil of.. of... badness? To be still able to see the good in people. Best example again... Beomseok. Dude was never evil. He just let his intrusive thoughts win. Like the whole thing of the understanding that good only exists when evil does and vice versa. You have to figure out on your own what's good and whats's evil and don't just assume everything un-known to be evil. Just because you don't know doesn't mean it's bad. Just because Suho thinks Beomseok is doing this for his own ego and this is what he wanted all along, doesn't have to mean this is essentially evil (and no I'm not talking about him ordering others to hurt someone or even doing the hurting himself). Sieun saw through it all which is why he told Suho that Beomseok is just lonely. Poor man just wanted to help/save his friend.Jetzt war ich ganz verwandelt. Ich verhielt mich völlig gleichgültig gegen die äußere Welt und war tagelang nur damit beschäftigt, in mich hineinzuhorchen und die Ströme zu hören, die verbotenen und dunklen Ströme, die da in mir unterirdisch rauschten.
Viertes Kapitel : Beatrice – S. 55Now I was quite changed. I was completely indifferent towards the outside world. For days together my sole occupation was hearkening to my inner self, listening to the flood of dark, forbidden instincts which roared subterraneously within me.++ This is for season 2 Sieun. The way he was living his life or basically not living his life. Him having nightmares and being imprisoned by his guilt.Es war alles wie ein Zwang. Ich tat, was ich mußte, weil ich sonst durchaus nicht wußte, was mit mir beginnen.
Viertes Kapitel : Beatrice – S. 61I was as if coerced into doing this. I did it because I had to, because I was otherwise absolutely ignorant of a course to follow, I knew not where to begin.++ Again another Sieun now. LOL This is getting repetitive. LOL Basically this explains Sieun's coping mechanism very well. That he turned to studying cause he just wanted to escape and the only thing he knew off that could distract him was studying.Eines fehlte mir am meisten – ein Freund.
Viertes Kapitel : Beatrice – S. 61One thing I lacked most of all—a friend.++ More Sieun. xD Just Sieun in whc2 basically."Der Vogel kämpft sich aus dem Ei. Das Ei ist die Welt. Wer geboren werden will, muß eine Welt zerstören. Der Vogel fliegt zu Gott. Der Gott heißt Abraxas."
Fünftes Kapitel : Der Vogel kämpft sich aus dem Ei – S. 73“The bird fights its way out of the egg. The egg is the world. Whoever will be born must destroy a world. The bird flies to God. The name of the god is Abraxas.”++ And this folks is the big one. lol The full quote from the book that was mentioned in the first episode of season 1. And damn do I get it now. There is a reason whc is called a coming of age story. The struggles you go through to grow. The walls you have to break. The eventual sacrifices you have to make. To finally be able to find yourself. You broke the walls, you grew your wings and you finally learned how to fly. This is so poetic and so wholesome guys . I'm tearing up...Übrigens hatte ich schon mehrmals die Erfahrung gemacht, wie richtig das war, was Demian mir damals im geistlichen Unterricht gesagt hatte. Was man stark genug wollte, das gelang. Wenn ich während des Unterrichts sehr stark mit eigenen Gedanken beschäftigt war, so konnte ich ruhig sein, daß der Lehrer mich in Ruhe ließ. Ja, wenn man zerstreut war oder schläfrig, dann stand er plötzlich da : das war mir auch schon begegnet. Aber wenn man wirklich dachte, wirklich versunken war, dann war man geschützt. Und auch das mit dem festen Anblicken hatte ich schon probiert und bewährt gefunden. Damals zu Demians Zeiten war es mir nicht geglückt, jetzt spürte ich oft, daß man mit Blicken und Gedanken sehr viel ausrichten konnte.
Fünftes Kapitel : Der Vogel kämpft sich aus dem Ei – S. 74For the rest, I had already several times had the experience that what Demian had said to me in the confirmation class was right. If you willed a thing strongly enough, it happened. If during the lesson I was deeply immersed in thought, I need not fear that the master would disturb my peace. Certainly, if you were absent-minded[Pg 117] or sleepy, then he stood suddenly there; that had already happened to me several times. But if you were really thinking, if you were genuinely sunk in thought, then you were safe. And I had already put to the test what he had said to me about fixing a person with one’s eyes. When at school with Demian I had never been successful in this attempt, but now I often realized that you could accomplish much simply by a fixed look and deep thinking.++ This reminded me of Sieun starting to think and act like Suho in a way in season 2 where he slept in school. Also the whole thing what one can do with only their look or deep thinking. This whole thing of how Sieun looks directly at everyone and how he comes up with a solution by reminding himself of what he learned in school.Ich war damals, mit meinen achtzehn Jahren, ein ungewöhnlicher junger Mensch, in hundert Dingen frühreif, in hundert andern Dingen sehr zurück und hilflos. Wenn ich mich je und je mit anderen verglich, war ich oft stolz und eingebildet gewesen, ebenso oft aber niedergedrückt und gedemütigt. Oft hatte ich mich für ein Genie angesehen, oft für halb verrückt. Es gelang mir nicht, Freuden und Leben der Altersgenossen mitzumachen, und oft hatte ich mich in Vorwürfen und Sorgen verzehrt, als sei ich hoffnungslos von ihnen getrennt, als sei mir das Leben verschlossen.
Sechstes Kapitel : Jakobs Kampf – S. 87I was then about eighteen years old. I was a young man rather out of the ordinary, precocious in a hundred things, in a hundred other things backward and helpless. When from time to time I used to compare myself with others, I was often proud and conceited, but just as frequently I felt depressed and humiliated. I had often looked upon myself as a genius, often as half mad. I could not share the pleasures and life of the fellows of my age, and often I heaped reproaches on myself and was consumed with cares, thinking I was hopelessly cut off from them, and that life was closed to me.++ Another Sieun one. The trauma he got from his childhood while also being a straight a student and at the same time having no friends. Cause even though he wanted some so badly, he also was scared of abandonment I feel like. And thus he ended in this whole secluded place.(…) Wenn wir einen Menschen hassen, so hassen wir in seinem Bild etwas, was in uns selber sitzt. Was nicht in uns selber ist, das regt uns nicht auf."
Sechstes Kapitel : Jakobs Kampf – S. 90(…) When we hate a man, we hate in him something which resides in us ourselves. What is not in us does not move us."++ This one just generally made me think. Like what could this possibly mean? I heard this so many times before. Like you don't hate them you just hate yourself. You're just jealous. I feel like this basiclly means we only care about what we know, which is mainly ourselves. Like why would you hate on something you don't even know exists. Maybe this quote wants to tell us that, what we hate is that we don't want to become like them. Don't want to adopt any of those behaviors or mindsets. Because deep down we already experienced what we turn into when we're angry. Or maybe it's just me... It's this whole paradox of when I do it to others I'm fine with it but when others do it to me I can't stand it. So many times did I catch myself doing things that I hate when others do them to me. But the thing is I literally can not help myself. Because it just makes sense in this situation to behave like this as dumb as this might sound. Like I just want to be a bad person then and want to do bad things. Sometimes it's not even obvious bad things that I do to people but I still end up hurting them just cause I wasn't thinking and got too comfortable. One time I told someone to stop acting childish and right then and there I catched myself and was like: what the actual fuck did I just say?? Who does this? Who am I? But it just made sense even after catching myself and hating it just to start thinking and realize that in this situation there is nothing i could have said differently for them to understand my point. But maybe that was cause I couldn't think outside the box cause I was so fixated on my thought and my opinion on this that I didn't even wanted to change it.??? (Er begann mich zu langweilen, und ich erschrak vor mir selber, daß mir seine offensichtliche Not und Verzweiflung keinen tieferen Eindruck machte. Ich empfand nur: ich kann dir nicht helfen.
Sechstes Kapitel : Jakobs Kampf – S. 94)He began to bore me, and I was horrified at myself, because his obvious need and despair made no deep impression on me. My only sentiment was: I can’t help you.++ I don't know for some reason this made me think of Juntae the first time he approached Sieun. But I still don't think this is actually true. I just got the vibes. LOL I really don't know how else to explain this quote being in here hence the questionmarks and the brackets. LOL(…) Wir nannten es früher das Kainszeichen, wenn du dich noch erinnern kannst. Es ist unser Zeichen. Du hast es immer gehabt, darum bin ich dein Freund geworden. Aber jetzt ist es deutlicher geworden."
Siebtes Kapitel : Frau Eva – S. 107(…) We used to call it the mark of Cain, if you recollect. It is our sign. You have always had it; for that reason I became your friend. But now it is clearer.”++ The sign of two people knowing exactly that they're gonna match perfectly with each other. This sign of full understanding. The sign of deep connection. I don't know, that's my interpretation of this. Which kind of makes sense if we think about the above mentioed theory of this sign being Sieun's eyes and his whole aura and something in Suho connected with that. Like he got highly interested in this guy who was just so different to all the others he knew. Something he was always looking for and finally found.

Ich hatte nicht gewußt, daß diese Welt noch so schön sein könne. Ich hatte mich daran gewöhnt, in mich hineinzuleben und mich damit abzufinden, daß mir der Sinn für das da draußen eben verlorengegangen sei, daß der Verlust der glänzenden Farben unvermeidlich mit dem Verlust der Kindheit zusammenhänge, und daß man gewissermaßen die Freiheit und Mannheit der Seele mit dem Verzicht auf diesen holden Schimmer bezahlen müsse. Nun sah ich entzückt, daß dies alles nur verschüttet und verdunkelt gewesen war und daß es möglich sei, auch als Freigewordener und auf Kinderglück Verzichtender die Welt strahlen zu sehen und die innigen Schauer des kindlichen Sehens zu kosten.
Siebtes Kapitel : Frau Eva – S. 111"Ich glaube, ich bin mein ganzes Leben lang immer unterwegs gewesen und jetzt bin ich heimgekommen." (…) "Heim kommt man nie", sagte sie freundlich. "Aber wo befreundete Wege zusammenlaufen, da sieht die ganze Welt für eine Stunde wie Heimat aus."
Siebtes Kapitel : Frau Eva – S. 112Ich lernte, ich lang Vereinsamter, die Gemeinschaft kennen, die zwischen Menschen möglich ist, welche das völlige Alleinsein gekostet haben.
Siebtes Kapitel : Frau Eva – S. 115Version 1:
I had not known that this world could still be so beautiful. I had been accustomed to living shut up in myself, and to content myself with the idea that my understanding for the outside world had been lost, that the loss of glistening colors was inevitably connected with the loss of childish vision. (…)Version 2:
I had forgotten that the world could still be so lovely. I had grown accustomed to my inner life, resigned to the fact that I had lost my feeling for the outside world and that the loss of its bright colours was an inseparable part of the loss of childhood and that one must to some extent pay for the freedom and maturity of the soul with the renunciation of those pure gleams of light. But now, entranced, I saw that all this had only been clouded over and that it was still possible as a 'liberated' person and renouncer of childhood happiness to see the world shine and savour the delicious thrill of the child's vision.Version 1:
“I believe I have been on my way all my life long—but now I have come home.” She smiled in a motherly way. “One never comes home,” she said gently. “But where friendly roads converge, the whole world looks for an hour like home.”Version 1:
I, who had been isolated for so long, learned to what extent community of feeling is possible between people who have experienced complete loneliness.These quotes had missing parts in the translated version of version 1 so I had to look for another translation, hence there are 2 versions mentioned here.++ Oh yes, these three quotes. Sieun befriending Suho and Beomseok and getting a taste of what it's like to live in season 1. And then in season 2 Sieun finally seeing a light at the end of his depression and guilttripping (/trapping) himself. He finally broke through the walls grew his wings and started to learn how to fly with the help of his friends guiding him while they also learn the same thing alongside with him. And all of them finding this new place they can call their home now. That safe space guarded by the bond of friendship and love.Es war ein Liebender, der ohne Hoffnung liebte. Er zog sich ganz in seine Seele zurück und meinte vor Liebe zu verbrennen. Die Welt ging ihm verloren, er sah den blauen Himmel und den grünen Wald nicht mehr, der Bach rauschte ihm nicht, die Harfe klang ihm nicht, alles war versunken, und er war arm und elend geworden. Seine Liebe aber wuchs, und er wollte viel lieber sterben und verkommen, als auf den Besitz der schönen Frau verzichten, die er liebte. Da spürte er, wie seine Liebe alles andre in ihm verbrannt hatte, und sie wurde mächtig und zog und zog, und die schöne Frau mußte folgen, sie kam, er stand mit ausgebreiteten Armen, um sie an sich zu ziehen. Wie sie aber vor ihm stand, da war sie ganz verwandelt, und mit Schauern fühlte und sah er, daß er die ganze verlorene Welt zu sich her gezogen hatte. Sie stand vor ihm und ergab sich ihm, Himmel und Wald und Bach, alles kam in neuen Farben frisch und herrlich ihm entgegen, gehörte ihm, sprach seine Sprache. Und statt bloß ein Weib zu gewinnen, hatte er die ganze Welt am Herzen, und jeder Stern am Himmel glühte in ihm und funkelte Lust durch seine Seele. - Er hatte geliebt und dabei sich selbst gefunden. Die meisten aber lieben, um sich dabei zu verlieren.
Siebtes Kapitel : Frau Eva – S. 119/120There was a lover, who loved without hope of success. He withdrew entirely into himself and thought his love would consume him. The world was lost to him, he saw the blue sky and the green wood no longer, he did not hear the murmuring of the stream, or the notes of the harp; all that meant nothing to him, and he became poor and miserable. But his love grew, and he would much rather have died and have made an end of it all than renounce the chance of possessing the beautiful woman whom he loved. Then he suddenly felt that his love had consumed everything else in him, it became powerful and exercised an irresistible attraction, the beautiful woman had to follow, she came and he stood with outstretched arms to draw her to him. But as she stood before him, she was completely transformed, and with a thrill he felt and saw that he had drawn into his embrace the whole world, which he had lost. She stood before him and surrendered herself to him, sky and wood and brook, all was decked out in lovely new colors, all belonged to him, and spoke his tongue. And instead of merely winning a woman, he had taken the whole world to his heart, and each star in the heaven glowed in him, and twinkling, communicated desire to his soul. He had loved, and thereby had found himself. But most people love only to lose themselves thereby.++ This kind of reminded me of Sieun and the lack of love in his life, especially as a child. He only wanted one thing and one thing only. Which was love. Maybe his aura was just screaming to be loved and this is what Suho was able to see. And through becoming friends with Suho, Sieun finally was able to see the world differently. He finally was able to see all the colors, spoke their language and everything just started to sparkle in this new excitement.Ich war so lang gewohnt, allein zu sein, Verzicht zu üben, mich mühsam mit meinen Qualen herumzuschlagen, daß diese Monate in H. mir wie eine Trauminsel vorkamen, auf der ich bequem und verzaubert nur in schönen, angenehmen Dingen und Gefühlen leben durfte. Ich ahnte, daß dies der Vorklang jener neuen, höheren Gemeinschaft sei, an die wir dachten. Und je und je ergriff mich über dies Glück eine tiefe Trauer, denn ich wußte wohl, es konnte nicht von Dauer sein. Mir war nicht beschieden, in Fülle und Behagen zu atmen, ich brauchte Qual und Hetze. Ich spürte: eines Tages würde ich aus diesen schönen Liebesbildern erwachen und wieder allein stehen, ganz allein, in der kalten Welt der anderen, wo für mich nur Einsamkeit oder Kampf war, kein Friede, kein Mitleben.
Achtes Kapitel : Anfang vom Ende – S. 125I had been so long accustomed to being alone, to practise renunciation, to fight toilfully my own battles, that these months in H. seemed to me like a time passed on a dream island, where I might live tranquilly in beautiful, enchanted surroundings. I felt that this was a foretaste of that new, higher community, on which we meditated. And now and then I was seized by a deep feeling of sadness, for I knew that this happiness could not last. I was not destined to breathe in the fulness of peace and comfort, I needed torment to spur me on. I felt that one day I should wake up from these dreams of beautiful love-pictures to find myself standing once more alone, in the cold world of others, where for me there would be only loneliness and fighting, no peace, no community of spirit.++ This is probably what Sieun was thinking while Suho was in a coma. The guilt was eating at him. There was once this safe space he thought would be forever. That the struggle life put him through was finally worth it. The courage it took him to go walk into this new foreign world that he was so scared of to enter to not get hurt by abandonment again. Just to be faced again with darkness.Ich komme zum Ende. Die Dinge gingen ihren raschen Weg. Bald war Krieg, und Demian, wunderlich fremd in der Uniform mit dem silbergrauen Mantel, fuhr davon. Ich brachte seine Mutter nach Hause zurück. Bald nahm auch ich Abschied von ihr, sie küßte mich auf den Mund und hielt mich einen Augenblick an ihrer Brust, und ihre großen Augen brannten nah und fest in meine. Und alle Menschen waren wie verbrüdert. Sie meinten das Vaterland und die Ehre. Aber es war das Schicksal, dem sie alle einen Augenblick in das unverhüllte Gesicht schauten. Junge Männer kamen aus Kasernen, stiegen in Bahnzüge, und auf vielen Gesichtern sah ich ein Zeichen - nicht das unsre - ein schönes und würdevolles Zeichen, das Liebe und Tod bedeutete.
Achtes Kapitel : Anfang vom Ende – S. 129I am coming to the end. Events marched quickly. War was declared. Demian, who looked strange in uniform, with a silver-grey cloak, went away. I brought his mother home. Soon after I also said good-bye to her. She kissed me on the lips and held me a moment on her breast, and her large eyes burned steadily close to mine.And all men were like brothers. They had in mind their country and their honor. But it was fate, they peeped for a moment into the unveiled face. Young men came out of barracks, stepped into trains, and on many a face I saw a sign—not ours—a beautiful and dignified sign, signifying love and death.++ This reminded me of Suho visiting Sieun before he went off to seek revenge. The uncertainty if they would ever see each other again. And it also reminded me of the start of the big fight in the 2nd season.Und je starrer die Welt auf Krieg und Heldentum, auf Ehre und andre alte Ideale eingestellt schien, je ferner und unwahrscheinlicher jede Stimme scheinbarer Menschlichkeit klang, dies war alles nur die Oberfläche, ebenso wie die Frage nach den äußeren und politischen Zielen des Krieges nur Oberfläche blieb. In der Tiefe war etwas im Werden. Etwas wie eine neue Menschlichkeit. Denn viele konnte ich sehen, und mancher von ihnen starb an meiner Seite – denen war gefühlhaft die Einsicht geworden, daß Haß und Wut, Totschlagen und Vernichten nicht an die Objekte geknüpft waren. Nein, die Objekte, ebenso wie die Ziele, waren ganz zufällig. Die Urgefühle, auch die wildesten, galten nicht dem Feinde, ihr blutiges Werk war nur Ausstrahlung des Innern, der in sich zerspaltenen Seele, welche rasen und töten, vernichten und sterben wollte, um neu geboren werden zu können. Es kämpfte sich ein Riesenvogel aus dem Ei, und das Ei war die Welt, und die Welt mußte in Trümmer gehen.
Achtes Kapitel : Anfang vom Ende – S. 130And, however strongly the world’s attention appeared to be focused on war and heroic deeds, on honor and other old ideals, however distantly and unnaturally sang the voices of humanity—all this was merely the surface, just as the question with regard to the foreign and political aims of the war was superficial. Deep down, below the surface of human affairs, something was in process of forming. Something which might be a new order of humanity. For I could see many—many such died at my side—to whom the understanding was brought home that hate and rage, murder and destruction had no connection with the real object of the war. No, the object, just as the aims in view, was purely a matter of chance. Their deepest and most primitive feelings, even their wildest instincts were not actually directed against the enemy, their murderous and bloody work was an expression of their own inner being, of their cleft soul, which wished to rave and kill, to destroy and die, in order to be able to be born anew. A giant bird was fighting its way out of the egg, and the egg was the world, and the world had to go to ruin.++ For some reason this reminds me of Suho going to find Beomseok and going into that boxing ring. This shouldn't have to happen as a sacrifice for everyone to finally snap out of it. This didn't need to happen to teach someone a lesson. Why do humans always have to let it come to this? Why do we need something to vanish for something new to be born? Blinded by greed we just continue this path of doom. There is also the big fight in season 2 which also fits well with this quote. Like.. Was there ever a true need to fight?

Nun lag ich in einem Saal, am Boden gebettet, und fühlte, daß ich dort sei, wohin ich gerufen war. Ich blickte um mich, dicht neben meiner Matratze lag eine andre und jemand auf ihr, der neigte sich vor und sah mich an. Er hatte das Zeichen auf der Stirn. Es war Max Demian. Ich konnte nicht sprechen, und auch er konnte oder wollte nicht. Er sah mich nur an. Auf seinem Gesicht lag der Schein einer Ampel, die über ihm an der Wand hing. Er lächelte mir zu. Eine unendlich lange Zeit sah er mir immerfort in die Augen. Langsam schob er sein Gesicht mir näher, bis wir uns fast berührten. "Sinclair!" Sagte er flüsternd. Ich gab ihm ein Zeichen mit den Augen, daß ich ihn verstehe. Er lächelte wieder, beinah wie in Miltleid. "Kleiner Junge!" Sagte er lächelnd. Sein Mund lag nun ganz nahe an meinem. Leise fuhr er fort zu sprechen. "Kannst du dich noch an Franz Kromer erinnern?" fragte er. Ich zwinkerte ihm zu, und konnte auch lächeln. "Kleiner Sinclair, paß auf! Ich werde fortgehen müssen. Du wirst mich vielleicht einmal wieder brauchen, gegen den Kromer oder sonst. Wenn du mich dann rufst, dann komme ich nicht mehr so grob auf einem Pferd geritten oder mit der Eisenbahn. Du mußt dann in dich hinein hören, dann merkst du, daß ich in dir drinnen bin. Verstehst du? – Und noch etwas! Frau Eva hat gesagt, wenn es dir einmal schlecht gehe, dann solle ich dir den Kuß von ihr geben, den sie mir mitgegeben hat... Mach die Augen zu, Sinclair!" Ich schloß gehorsam meine Augen zu, ich spürte einen leichten Kuß auf meinen Lippen, auf denen ich immer ein wenig Blut stehen hatte, das nie weniger werden wollte. Und dann schlief ich ein. Am Morgen wurde ich geweckt, ich sollte verbunden werden. Als ich endlich richtig wach war, wendete ich mich schnell nach der Nachbarmatratze hin. Es lag ein fremder Mensch darauf, den ich nie gesehen hatte. Das Verbinden tat weh. Alles, was seither mit mir geschah, tat weh. Aber wenn ich manchmal den Schlüssel finde und ganz in mich selbst hinuntersteige, da wo im dunkeln Spiegel die Schicksalsbilder schlummern, dann brauche ich mich nur über den schwarzen Spiegel zu neigen und sehe mein eigenes Bild, das nun ganz Ihm gleicht, Ihm, meinem Freund und Führer.
Achtes Kapitel : Anfang vom Ende – S. 131Now I was lying in a room, on a bed made up on the floor. I felt I had arrived at the place to which I had been called. I glanced around, close to my mattress was another, on which someone was lying, someone who bent over and looked at me. It was Max Demian.I could not speak, and he either could not or would not. He only looked at me. A lamp which hung over him on the wall cast a light on his face. He smiled at me.
For what seemed an immeasurably long time he gazed unwaveringly into my eyes. Slowly he inclined his face towards me, until we almost touched.“Sinclair!” he said in a whisper.
I signaled to him with my eyes that I understood him.
He smiled again, almost as if in compassion.
“Little one!” he said, smiling.
His mouth lay now quite close to mine. Softly he continued to speak.
“Can you still remember Frank Kromer?” he asked.
I winked at him, and could even manage to smile.
“Sinclair, old man, listen: I shall have to go away. Perhaps you will need me once again, on account of Kromer, or something. When you call me, I shall not come riding on a horse, or in a train. You must hearken to the voice inside you, then you will notice it is I, that I am in you. Do you understand? And one other thing: Mother Eve said that if ever you were ill I was to give you a kiss from her, which she gave me.... Close your eyes, Sinclair!”I obediently closed my eyes. I felt a light kiss on my lips, on which there was a trace of blood, which never seemed to stop flowing. And then I fell asleep.In the morning I was awakened to have my wounds dressed. When at last I was properly awake, I turned quickly to the mattress by my side. A stranger lay upon it, a man on whom I had never before set eyes.The bandaging hurt me. All that has happened to me since hurt me. But my soul is like a mysterious, locked house. And when I find the key and step right down into myself, to where the pictures painted by my destiny seem reflected on the dark mirror of my soul, then I need only stoop towards the black mirror and see my own picture, which now completely resembles Him, my guide and friend.++ And the bitter finale. Cause what else is bound to happen after war? Yes, exactly. It's this. It's the scene of Suho and Sieun in the hospital. Maybe Sieun's dream? I'm not sure. What I found especially interesting is Demian telling Sinclair that he has to listen inside himself, and this is where he's going to fiind him. This is where they became one. This is also the part that confuses me the most. Did they merge together? Was this the whole point of the story? Did Demian even ever exist? Was Demian just in Sinclairs head all along? Did his trauma with Kromer made him come up with this friend in his mind? Did they actually never truly merge together in the sense of, how 2 people can not possibly physically become one unless... magic?? Maybe this is just a metaphor that Suho is now engrained in Sieun's mind forever. They spent enough time together and instantly clicked. They always had this special unbreakable bond. This bond that let some of Suho trickle into Sieun and some of Sieun trickle into Suho. Or were they always one and the same to begin with and just came to slowly realize it after spending time together? They complemented each other so well. Suho bidding his farewell not knowing what's going to happen. Telling Sieun not to worry because he will always be with him. Thank goodness for the ending of season 2 or else I wouldn't know what to do with my life anymore..

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연시은 / Yeon Sieun

Alleine sein zu können, das Schönste.
Alleine sein zu müssen, das Schlimmste.
Ab wann ist es kein Wollen mehr und
wo ziehst du die Grenze?
cr.: https://www.instagram.com/p/DLQI1EDtZgF/Wenn Alleine sein nicht mehr eine freiwillige Entscheidung ist.
Wenn Alleine sein zu können zu Alleine sein zu müssen wird.
Wenn Alleine sein zur Flucht wird und sie kein Ort der Erholung mehr ist.
Wenn Alleine sein zum Gefängnis wird.Being able to be alone, the best.
Having to be alone, the worst.
At what point is it no longer a desire
and where do you draw the line?When being alone is no longer a choice.
When being able to be alone turns into having to be alone.
When being alone becomes an escape and no longer a place of relaxation.
When being alone becomes a prison.whc1"He only wanted to be loved."It all started with me noticing Sieun going up to the podium to receive his.. Award (?) of sorts. Getting zero attention, just to be still standing there watching the reaction of the second place happening and then just going back to his seat. This observing face. Those sad eyes. I wonder what went through Sieun's head in that moment. He looked quite confused about the reaction. Like why would you celebrate second place so much? Why are they making such a ruckus. Is this how it's usually like? Is this what it's like.. to have friends? I wish I had friends that would cheer for me too. Oh well.. whatever let's go back to my seat.Since the very start I've been noticing that Sieun just looked so fricking sad all the time. His eyes looked like as if he was about to cry all the god damn time. Not gonna lie it started to confuse the shit ouf of me. Wondering why the hell does he look like he's about to cry all the time? Also the whole thing about Sieun actually looking so small is actually hilarious. Bro looked as if he's as tall as me or something. Still wondering how the heck that worked out. Because I still don't understand. Cause Jihoon is like 173m tall and I'm 156m. There is a huge difference but still Sieun looked shho tiiiny. LOL Like I read something about Jihoon trying to look as small as possible. LOL Guess that worked out perfectly somehow or they played around with the camera angles or something. Like I know he's probably the smallest one in the cast. LOL But still in comparison to me. LOLSo Sieun this kid who started to immerse himself into his studies to escape from reality. This one thing he found, that he could keep his mind occupied with not to have to think about anything else that surrounded him. I was never "that" into studying at all. I still wonder how I managed to finish any school to be real honest. LOL But I do remember all those stupid times almost every time we got our test results back or at the end of every school year. Always the teacher asking me why I didn't do better or if there are any problems at home, pretending to be concerned about me or something. And all I it was, is that I just did not want to fricking study or write tests. I just wanted everyone to leave me the fuck alone with this. I also couldn't care less about my grades. It did sting everytime everyone around me got oh so disappointed with me not getting better grades. Telling me to do better next time. To put more effort into it or trying to find out if I'm okay or not or something. I just did not want to do it. What's wrong with that? Meanwhile Sieun is out here doing the complete opposite. LOL I never cared about my grades really and somehow managed to never completely fail a grade or anything. LOL Surely I wanted to get better grades to go to my parents and everyone else and brag about it. But I was also this kid, who always wanted to do the complete opposite. Cause I always hated when someone told me what to do.But Sieun wanted just that. He immersed himself so much in this escape of studying, but he also wanted to be seen and appreciated. Imagine his confusion. Seeing the reaction in his classroom in comparison to his father asking for it, examining it, giving it back. And there was no real love in it, no real appreciation. Just a: yes I saw it, it's great keep going, k, bye. LOL If it were me I would be as confused as him. Asking myself: is this normal? Why is my own father reacting with way less emotion to me getting first place but everyone in my class being ecstatic about my classmate getting second place. This just doesn't seem right. But I guess this is normal?Sieun's health is a whole nother big problem or at least it used to be a big problem. I wonder what the heck he had that made him faint so many times to the point of also falling downstairs while at it. Like Sieun must have fainted at the most random times, not being able to control it at all. But apparently noone seemed to know what the hell caused all of his faintings. Like imagine you're having this kid that faints a lot of times and you even bring it to a doctor, I assume - but then it never getting any better? Sieun's parents were never poor or anything. They could afford it. Like Sieun broke his god damn arm while fainting cause he fell down the stairs or something. Meanwhile the parents were arguing about never expecting having a sick child and refusing to take care of it. Like what kind of conversation was that anyways? Like come on man! There must be a god damn reason your child is sick. Like do something about it instead of arguing who should take care of the kid and not wanting to stay together or something.Sieun witnessing all that while he was still very much a little kid is just insane to me. Imagine being at that age being able to understand words and what they mean. Like kids are not as stupid as you think they are. You really have to keep that in mind. But his parents were so immersed in their fight, that they forgot everything around them. Sieun was just there listening, wondering what the hell is going on, while also getting hurt. Like he must have felt so unwanted and unloved. He didn't even bother fighting and went straight to lock himself into his room to escape from the unwanted noise essentially. Then starting to study cause this being the only thing of distraction that he knew of. How many times must this have happened before for him to react like this. This couldn't have been the only time. But then again Sieun doesn't seem like the confrontational kind either and he rather runs away and hides instead. Studying was this one constant he was able to go to for distraction. Like he literally did not know what else to do.Thinking about all this made me think about myself. First of all it reminded me of my unhealthy self. Like I also kinda sucked at sports. I was never a sporty person also maybe caused by my own health issues. So seeing Sieun suffering running in the heat was literally watching myself. I also had a hard time doing especially sport-like kind of activites with my friends I had back then. I couldn't go on bycicling tours with them without stopping way too many times. Struggled to go swimming cause I can not actually swim for that long in deep water, because I literally started having troubles breathing. It made me feel so dumb not gonna lie. What funny is though, is that I was able to dive into water and enjoyed it a lot. LOL But also not in deep water that well. I was generally faster drained than all of the others and always had to like pause to recharge. This is where I can kind of relate with Sieun. Also my parents struggling with a child like me trying to find out what I could possibly have to help me and all that. I do not wish this upon any parent honestly.This whole other thing about parents fighting each other is also something I'm still experiencing, even if it's not first hand anymore cause I moved out years ago. They never fought because of me or my brother though but they kept having the dumbest fights about the dumbest things and it always kind of escalating, wasn't fun to be around. Most of the time I just did what my mom also did, whenever my dad started to get angry. We just left. We never won a fight against him, so we stopped bothering and just made ourselves small and left the room or something. My brother never did anything either. So maybe through this I also learned to just leave it be and basically run away and hide. Like I knew I could never win. But you also have to know, that I never wanted to fight to begin with. To this day I hate to fight or argue with anyone. Like why even? Can we like.. not? Maybe Sieun also just did not want to fight. He just wanted to solve it in a different way, that did not involve fighting.Now having that thought in mind I feel like I'm starting to understand why Sieun never wanted to actually fight with noone. Cause all he ever saw was fighting and how it didn't solve any problems and instead making them worse. So what's the point of fighting anyways? This being the world Sieun lived in, is just crazy to think about. This kid with no siblings and no friends, cause he wasn't even able to make friends cause he fainted too often and was spending more time at the hospital than anywhwere else or something? While watching his parents maybe fight every other day. That the only desire is to have peace and or to run away is only natural.While thinking about Sieun's perspective someone also made me think about the adults in the show. Literally them wondering where the heck they are? LOL Which got me into a whole thought process of why Sieun's parents are the way they are. How could someone end up in this situation. Imagine you're like happy together and even getting married and getting a child, while also still having or wanting your career to go strong and not stop. I feel like both of Sieun's parents just weren't ready to have a child as a whole. Like everyone always wants you to marry and have children from a certain age especially. It's actually ridiculous. I rather be childless for the rest of my life if that means one less child suffering from all sorts of mental health issues just cause I didn't know what the heck to do and wasn't ready to have a kid or whatever. Having a child is so much work. It's not just giving birth and be done with it. There is so much more to having a child. Not that I have any idea of what's that like anyways.Like there were adults who did what they should do, like the teacher who helped Sieun with the whole drugging situation for example. She was probably the only adult who actually did the adult thing that she, especially as a teacher should do. LOL All the other adults. Well one of them was straight up a gangster but that's just how the sory goes. Those 2 police men that Sieun got for help. LOL They really wanted to help Sieun so bad but there was literally nothing they could do. Like there is a whole reason the trio with the help of Youngi wanted to gather proof in the first place. Baku's father was also someone I never came to hate like ever actually, so I don't even really know what to say about him to be honest. And all the other adults. Other Policemen actually doing their job when everything basically was already over. LOL Like at this point do we even need your help? LOL And we don't even want to talk about Beomseoks adopted dad. Like were was his adopted mom as well? Hello? Excuse me? And we also don't want to talk about his adopted dad and his ways as a politician, like that was just pure evil. The drama really showed the reality we live in. How everything does just suck in a way. That there are things that are not in our control. It might look like the utmost ridiculous behavior possible but I feel like it's not that far from the truth at all, which makes this whole thing even more.. disgusting really.What do adults know anyways? Is being a grown-up the answer to everything? Is it really the goal we want to achieve? I had a whole thought process about why it's so hard for a lot of adults to put themselves into the shoes of a child or a teenager. We were all children and teenagers once right? Like how hard could it possibly be? You know what? I have an idea as to why this could be. We just be babies, toddlers, kids, teenagers and suddenly are supposed to be an adult right? Like we go through all these phases or eras if you will. We start one, end it and then begin the next one without even looking back. We become adults just plainly cause we just arrived at this age. We struggle with putting ourselves into the shoes of the younger folks because we've been there, done that and that's it. We completed a step in our life and that was about it. Think about it. We're told by society or whatever what each age range is called and where it starts and where it ends. We just do be living our lifes ticking of another age range as passed. Like you guys go to school and then that's it right. Done and over. This is what I feel like growing up could mean. Like there is no such thing as growing up. All we ever do is ticking off milestones in our lifes as if that's our whole purpose or something. We struggle going back to that milestone cause we already completed it and we put it aside. We might not have forgotten about some things from said milestone. But the milestone is done and over so we can put it aside on to the pile of our other life achievements and basically forget about it, cause most of it is not important anymore. We struggle putting ourselves into the shoes of the younger ones just plainly because we lost almost all of the resources. We put them aside somewhere safe. We never imagined to be needing them anytime later in life. Put them away in some drawer in some room, that we're now not even able to remember which room it was we put all our ticked off milestones in. There is a reason parents struggle with their kids because adults don't think like kids anymore. Been there, done that, don't need that anymore. Adults start to forget all the basic needs cause adults don't need them as much as kids or teenager do. They be going out into the world and just trying to satisfy their needs in some way or another. But kids, teeangers are struggling to do exactly that. They're still learning. They're still in this era of gaining knowledge. Adults need to teach them, have to show them things. Like there is a whole reason teachers and schools exist to begin with. Cause how else would they know.You know what's interesting. Sieun wanted to be seen, wanted to be loved. But also be left alone in a way. I feel like as much attention as he could have needed. I wonder how much attention he would have wanted. I feel like he only wanted different reactions. Wanting praise instead of basically getting ignored. Wanted to get understood and be listened to instead of hearing things about boys fighting is normal and getting asked if he won. Wanted to be treated like a normal kid and teenager instead of being left alone as if he's an adult. We know you're capable. We don't have to take care of you anymore cause you can do this all on your own now. Well.. Sieun literally never had any other choice instead of learning how to live and survive on his own without any help. It probably got this bad that he didn't even wanted any help anymore. He just wanted to be left alone cause that meant having peace. Being alone without any annoying noises surrounding him. Being alone without having to interact with anyone and possibly fighting. Being alone he could concentrate better. Sieun learned how to enjoy being alone.

I really shouldn't be able to relate to this (Number 1? Out of... you know what I am not going to count this, or else I'll go insane.) I also learned how it's easier to be just alone instead of getting involved with anything to be real honest. Getting involved with my brother meant him ending up annoying me and him not being able to be serious with me. Getting involved with my parents also resolved in not being taken seriously and also fighting. Like what else do I got left. I ended up hurt in some way or another too many times interacting with others, I feel like. Like I rather be alone by myself instead of stressing out about how to socialize really. While also enjoying time with others a lot of times, I do enjoy being alone as much and sometimes even more. I'm just at peace and can do almost whatever I want and be however I want cause there is noone to judge and noone to please and noone to take into consideration. I rather travel alone, play alone instead with others cause I always have to think about the other and how to socialize and what to do and what not to do. All those times I wasn't able to do things just plainly because I was hanging out with someone else. Who didn't want to do certain thing or wasn't able to and then missed out on the thing I wanted to do just plainly cause I didn't want to do it alone. But I realized over time that this is just plainly stupid. So I started going to the cinema alone. Started traveling alone. Going to concerts alone. I did end up meeting people on my travels and at concerts though.But this whole thing of being left alone as a kid or teenager cause your capable enough being alone. Just because they can doesn't mean you can just go about your way and basically ignore their existence in a way. Sieun's parents never truly ignored him but always made him feel like it. They treated Sieun like an adult. You can leave adults alone, that's normal. Like they say adult realationship is like seeing each other once a year or something like that. Time passes faster for adults in comparison to kids and teenagers. Sieun parents be out here being proud of their oh so capable son and also this kid getting all the good grades. Literally nothing to worry about.. anymore.. right? He stopped fainting, got amazing grades, what more could you possibly wish for. His parents never thought about him as much cause they were also busy with their own lifes, with their own careers. Like when they did pay attention they really meant it but from Sieun's perspective it was pure torture. They were more absent then being there for him just cause they thought he's fine. Silence doesn't mean approval. Silence doesn't mean everything is okay. Silence can mean a plethora of different things. Sieun had a lot of silence. Sieun was literally talking, screaming even. His parents just couldn't see it. They didn't understand. They themselves were never like him. To them he was just a normal teenager like everyone else, stressing out about school and studying a lot as a teenager usually does.To think about how many times I've been playing alone as a kid. Like I knew people, I did have friends, I even have an older brother. But a lot of times I ended up playing alone. Too many times my brother didn't want to hang out or play with me. Too many times my so called best friend at that time only really wanted to hang out with me when they want it themselves. So there were a lot of times where I was in my corner playing with my toys alone. Being outside alone. Like my mother would tell me all the time to fucking go outside. LOL I always asked her why the fuck should I go outside? What should I even do alone outside? She would answer it with: You'll find someone to play with. Guess what.. I didn't. LOL There was never someone outside that I knew. LOL Like it was so pointless. I did go outside a lot actually. LOL Always alone. Either with toys or without them, just hanging out and playing with myself. Probably looking like a total psycho kid, trying not to talk to loudly with myself. LOL Like this can't be normal right...? I don't know.. How I remember these times more sometimes than the times I did in fact spent with others. I'm still wondering if I spent more time alone or with someone cause I literally don't know.I don't know if I'm imganing it. But whenever I saw Sieun with his parents he looked different. He always looked like he was on the verge of crying everywhere else but in front of his parents. I don't know how to explain it but for some reason it was gone. It was almost like as if there was nothing in his eyes anymore. Like he became this robot out of sheer habit in front of his parents. I feel like they weren't even able to see it just plainly cause Sieun's body went into shutdown mode in a way. As in to say: Be a good kid, don't get into any fights, get good grades so they don't have to worry about you anymore because you're not fainting anymore so now go and get good grades so they can be proud of you. Sieun was silent, his eyes essentially dead and his parents never noticed cause they never looked twice and he looked "normal". I could go into why I think suicidal people are overlooked way too many times. Not noticed and too many times it's like: I didn't know they were struggling. People can hide a lot of things and not even on purpose, it just comes natural to them without thinking. Like there is a reason why it's so hard to help these people. Cause usually they just disappear before you even notice. They be gone even if they're extremely active and cheerfull. It is the most saddest thing I could possibly ever think of. Was Sieun ever suicidal? Well.. I hope not. Even if he was, it never actually came to it. And we can't even thank his parents for it. We can only thank Suho to be real honest.Now imagine living in this world and then suddenly getting bullied out of literally nowhere. That was so fricking random it almost made me laugh. This dude just got annoyed at him and felt the need to annoy him back. Like.. what?! Sieun reacted in the best and funniest way possible though. He couldn't be bothered and just told him to be careful next time. He wasn't even that mad at him at all. When you don't want to fight others but come off as aggressive. So he got targeted cause that just rubbed the bully the wrong way. And now that he had a problem he felt the need to eliminate said problem. I mean he probably always got a problem with Sieun getting first place anyways.And this is where Suho slowly starts to come into play. I'm still convinced Suho's first impression of Sieun was his first ever reaction to said bully and he probably found it very amusing, even if we never actually got to see that on screen, cause all we saw was Suho sleeping.So Sieun's bullies couldn't get enough of him, even with Suho kind of intervening in a way. They still found a way to get to him alone, especially after taking care of their obstacle namemingly Ahn Suho. LOL And again we have yet another: I should not be able to relate to this – kind of moment.In comparison to Sieun what these kids did to me is nowhere near being anything even remotely dramatic. But it was there and it was somewhat constant. It was this whole thing of people just needing to annoy the shit out of me and I still don't know what the hell that was supposed to achieve. I literally got told it's fun to tease me cause of my reactions but all I perceive it as is bullying. Great... It basically started with my brother if we want to count him in and not count it as oh just an older brother teasing his younger sister. Seriously.. There are boundaries to this shit as well okay. So basically I have a feeling that I can say from myself that I know what it feels like to be bullied. It literally was just guys always stealing my pens for whatever reason. One time I got a gum on my chair that then stuck to my pants. Another time I was forced to dunk my glasses into not flushed toilet water. Another time I got threatened by a knife out of nowhere for whatever reason. Got my lunchbox taken away from me. Like they were supposed to be my friend group but they were "teasing" me way too many times by taking away my lunchbox and running of. And no I did not run away behind them. Like it was just ridiculous. And everytime I be sitting away from them, having enough. They be like come running to me asking me what's wrong and when I told them they brushed it off as "don't you understand humor? We were just having fun." Oh sure you did. But I wasn't and that's the point here guys... Also the whole thing of my own father telling me that I got "teased" in school, like the whole pen thing or whatever was just cause people were intrested in me. There is a saying in german that goes "Was sich liebt das neckt sich." meaning something like: you be teasing people that you love. Like sure it does in fact make sense and do exist. Like people do jokingly tease people they love a lot. But if you do it to someone and they don't enjoy it and tell you to stop far too many times. This can't be just teasing for fun or for love or whatever anymore. Like these idiots only did that and never talked to me otherwise. Like "if" they really just wanted to befriend me, I feel like we're missing ike... five billion other steps here?! It just doesn't make sense.So when I saw Sieun getting strangled. I already had all these random flachbacks going back in time. And I remembered getting strangled once myself. That was the strangest happening ever in my entire life. Because it wasn't essentially caused by any arguments or anything at all. To be real honest I don't remember much anymore so I literally don't know what the fuck that was. All I know is that it happened and noone really knew why and I got help and it didn't last long either. While writing this I wonder if I ever got an apology for that or not, cause I have zero recollection of that ever happening. It might have happened but I honestly don't know. So when I tell you guys I shouldn't relate to any of this. I literally mean it.. This.. This.. I... heheee uhmm...So slowly but surely we're arriving at the whole drug incident and Sieun almost killing people in this drug rush he was having or whatever he was truly going through. He basically snapped. He had enough. Honestly I don't know if the drugs were still in his system or not. But he snapped. Like he got triggered enough times and he had enough. Pure evil hatred in his eyes. No humanity left in his body. All that was left was his soul dripping of pure darkness. Used his knowledge for evil. Someone who never wanted to fight couldn't stand it anymore. Sieun was well aware that he could only fight fire with fire otherwise they would never leave him alone. And at the same time every reasonable thinking got blasted out of his mind. He couldn't care less about anyhting anymore. Silence is as deep as the ocean, as wide as the universe. You don't anger silence cause..."Even a worm will turn."Suho was enjoying this a bit too much though. LOL It's interesting if you start to think of it from Suho's perpective. LOL He is just seeing this kid who never did nothing and always got the best grades. Zero friends, interacting with noone, always studying. That this sheer site of him could be amusing to outsiders is weirdly funny actually. Recently I started to think of Suho's character more cause of Hyunwook's book coming out and him talking about it and talking about whc again and me noticing that I rarely to never actually really thought about Suho. LOL From Suho's view Sieun probably looked like a child who just started out learnig marital arts. This angry child who is having a tantrum in a way but a very evil one. It's so hard to explain now thinking about it. LOL Like to me there is a reason why he found Sieun amusing. Just cause all he saw after seeing a vengeful teenager, he saw this child who still didn't calm down yet and now attacking bystanders. Sieun never learned any kind of martial arts. He has absolutely zero clue about it. He never fought anyone ever in his life before. So Suho found the way he fights just plainly amusing. Like watching a little kid tumble and turn while trying to perform their first moves they've learned in martial arts. Suho basically started to play with Sieun. Wanted to observe his moves and see his potential while being amused by it all and basically having fun. Meanwhile Sieun was taking this serious and nothing was fun for him whatsoever. Even I would have snapped myself when I be angry to this level and someone wouldn't take me serious even now. I would go insane. Interesting enough Sieun never truly came to hate Suho though. Cause I probably would. Like if I get treated like air basically and then get bullied and finally snap and then not being taken serious. Oh damn I would hate you for the rest of eternity and would not even apologize to you. So thinking about how Sieun apologized to Suho is quite interesting to me actually. He probably had enough time to calm down and think about everything that happened and he might have still had the drugs left in his system that time... who knows. So he had time to reflect and understand what was right and what was wrong and attacking Suho was not a good idea. So he apologized and Suho didn't even seem to really want an apology perse? Bro got highley interested and wanted to get to know Sieun. LOLTheir first enocunter being Suho fighting in class and knocking over Sieun's pencil case is utterly amusing actually. If Suho in fact did see Sieun react to the bully after he got hit with his shoe. Then this would have been the second time and Sieun reacting to Suho the same exact way. Think about it from Suho's perspective. Sieun comes off as totally savage in a quite amusing way and Suho was totally enjoying every single bit of it. Like this kid who seemed to merge with it's surrounding turning completely transparent suddenly starting to talk and even able to know exactly what to say in a mocking savage kind of way. Suho finally found his person truly. I mean it is very refreshing to see someone you would think would just crumble and be even more silent and run away to suddenly be this naturally savage.The whole fascination Sieun has with Suho is truly mesmerizing to watch. Sieun who never had friends, probably doesn't even truly know what that even means, getting to know Suho in the strangest ways. First Suho making himself quitely known, then be literally almost bumping into Sieun and then ends up fighting with him with the goal of stopping Sieun. Sieun probably wondered most of the time what Suho's business was. Why does he keep getting involved. Why does he keep appearing. Suddenly after the fight realizing he really shouldn't have attacked him and should have stopped fighting. And for some reason he meets Suho again outside the bus driving beside him. While at it he thought he might as well apologize for what he did and Suho told him he might as well just treat him to some good food. LOL And this is where it truly started. Them hanging out for the first time, Suho complaining, Sieun being his savage self and Suho enjoying the heck out of it. The funny thing is Sieun never truly needed to have any big interests in Suho, cause Suho be appearing almost all the time out of literally nowhere interacting with him. So Sieun just naturally followed along with what Suho started.

Sieuns childlike fascination with Suho reminded me of how I was reacting hanging out at friends houses. Everytime I spent time at a friends house, for some reason I always ended up looking around in awe. Everything was new to me and I paid attention to a lot of random things. It always felt like watching a movie of a picture perfect family kind of thing. It always left me wondering about other people's lifes. I guess I was always interested how human brain works. Like how the whole socializing thing works. Most of the time I sat there and watched everything unfold in front of me in complete awe. Like I would be totally silent unless someone starts talking to me. I guess I was always somewhat of an observer fascinated by my surroundings, trying to figure everyone out and why it couldn't be like that for me. Like there is a whole reason I never truly hated the people who bullied me. LOL Like they would be constantly stealing my pens out of my open pencil case, be running away and then end up giving it back as if it's a whole ritual. LOL Yes it was this stupid and I will never understand. LOL Or the guys that only did it for the fun of it to take away my lunchbox be running away and then coming back and giving it back. Especially with the latter when I was alone with some of them in the group and I had an even better time and no teasing was happening. It truly was so dumb, I can't. And with the others, I knew that they weren't actually evil. I saw how they acted towards others. Like all those girls who asked me why I wasn't wearing makeup. Like why would you be bothering me with that question so often? For what reason? LOL As if I'm going to change just cause you be out here annoying me. Sure.. But again I never hated them either. I'm also a person who rarely truly deeply hates. Even if I say I hate something I don't actually truly hate it. Most of the time I'd be just disliking it. Because hate for me is like when someone killed someone dear to you or something along those lines. Likes this deep rooted hate you'll get in extreme situations. So I had no reason to hate them and not even disliking them. Matter of fact I even liked some of them. LOL Just plainly cause I knew they weren't bad people.Suho this hyung, that he never actually was, because he and Sieun are literally the same age. LOL Internalizing his whole hyung persona to the point of truly becoming this hyung, this older brother this sort of father figure, that Sieun was missing his entire life. Sieun kept observing Suho. Literally staring at him. Having this childlike facination of discovering something he's never seen before. Cause he has in fact never seen this before. He didn't know Suho. Didn't know what he was going through all the time. Didn't know why he was sleeping at school. He slowly got to know about Suho's world. Got to know about the world in general. Got to learn about what other teenagers be going through. Learned how to share, learned how to help, learned some random martial arsts skills. He learned what life is like. Suddenly realizing the world he lives in becoming so different. It turned from being dark, to being bright. Turned from being dull, to becoming colors. Slowly but surely Sieun probably now understanding, why the classmates were cheering even for the second place.Sieun truly needed someone in his life to actually take care of him but also not in the same way, cause he's not a little kid anymore that needs actual supervision all the time. Sieun needed someone to show him love, to show him care, to pay attention to him. His parents, always busy and not even home most of the time. I mean he was living with his dad in the end so it was only one parent in the end who wasn't home most of the time cause of his job. Humans are gregarious animals. Even if you're able to live alone and not feel lonely, i feel like it will always feel like something is missing.Sieun got so used to doing things alone that now having someone with him needed some time getting used to. He's truly like this stray lost kitten that when they finally get adopted into a warm caring home it needs time to adjust from fighting everything and refusing everything to understand this is the new normal and it's safe now. Watching Suho picking up Sieun from cram school was just so heartwarming to watch even though Suho told him to help him with his delivery job. LOL Watching Sieun come out alone from cram school like he's used to while others are getting picked up by their parents and now suddenly Suho be appearing to do just that. Come and pick him up to hang out.Sieun really got thrown into this new world Suho was guiding him through. Not just learning about the good things but also learning about far too many bad things for anyone's liking. Sieun learned what it's like to worry about someone else. Sieun started to deeply care for Suho without even noticing. It came so naturally to him as if this was what he was waiting for the whole time. Sieun apologized to Suho. Sieun treated Suho to lunch. Sieun gave Suho water after he barged into his apartment, exhausted from his delivery job. LOL Sieun studied in the dark classroom, so Suho is able to actually sleep. Sieun helped out Suho with some of his jobs, mainly just cause Suho basically told him so. LOL Sieun looked up online how to make seaweed soup for Suho's birthday. Suho cared for Sieun in the way of being present for him. Hanging out with him. Showing him the world from his perspective. While Sieun thanked him for all this with helping him out.Seriously this drama makes me have flashbacks of all sorts of things guys. I almost started crying in the train commuting to work thinking about things and suddenly remembering things as well.Me as well had this one special human in my life that felt so different from everyone else. (Forgive the order I write everything in though.. I know it doesn't really make sense.. Please bear with me. LOL I am very scatter brained.) The way I can still remember that I got introduced to him and his friend by my best friend at that time literal years ago while we were all teenagers still. For some reason I immediately clicked with him and was able to talk to him just fine and absolutely nothing was awkward at all. You guys will be surprised when I tell you, that this was about it and we barely ever had any intercations for years later on. LOL Like it was actually ridiculous how less and less I got to see him or even talk to him. LOL He started to become the friend of my brother to the hate of my mother. LOL She disliked him so much, he wasn't allowed to come inside. LOL And me and my brother instead of going out.. ?? LOL We talked to him through the window. LMAO Remember Romeo and Juliet? Yes... Except it wasn't a balcony and the apartment was quite low to the ground as were the windows. LOL So no screaming necessary.. My brother also hated sharing his friends with me even though they all seemed to like me and actually wanted to interact with me but my brother always made sure that like rarely happens. LOL Yeah don't look at me like that. I didn't understand it either okay. So the thing was my brother had his own room. (Yeah.. That's a whole story of my brother having his own room and me literally just having this corner with a table and a chair and pc and in another corner my wardrobe and I was also sharing the bedroom with my parents. And all of this until my brother literally moved out when I was.. I don't know.. 18?? 19?? I forgot.. LOL)His room had this window he'd be talking with le guy with right? LOL And beside it on the same site of the apartment was the kitchen and the bathroom. So what happened was. LOL Whenever I noticed le guy would be coming over, I'd be at the kitchen window at some point. Thinking about it now it was the dumbest thing in existence. LOL Like what the fuck were we all even doing? LOL So yeah me had the best talks with him like that actually. LOL So suddenly we saw each other less and less and all of a sudden he'd be coming out looking for me. Now being at the window of my own room which was the room of my brother before. Like I turned 18 and like... I don't know how many weeks or month later he would be coming up to me wanting to hang out with me and the girlfriend of my brother at that time as well. Which we did. This whole thing turned into me being confused and then us trying to date and... so on and so forth. So what I wanted to say is. This guy whenever I would be running away he would come after me. Like he did so many things noone else ever did before. All these things that I'm now realizing that I truly needed and was missing the whole time really. And I guess I never truly found that in any of my friends that I ever had. It is such a weird thing to say though. Also the whole thing about me and him probably being friends but it never actually crossing my mind. LOL But that stems from the whole thing of me not knowing how to socialize and how to friends and probably also wanting too much from a friend. He also teached me quite some things. Like made me realize so many things the same way Suho did with Sieun basically.So let me tell you a story that will make you understand probably the most why I can relate to Sieun so much and how I also didn't and still don't know actual shit about sozializing. LOLThere was this one rainy morning. Me and le guy were like trying to date while also trying to hide it from everyone. Because it was raining and I had to go take the bus to my apprenticeship. I made my way to the bus stop and saw him standing there getting drenched in the rain. I started to worry and walked over to him and tiny me held my umbrella over us. He suddenly then snapped at me said with an angry voice that he doesn't need an umbrella. I was so taken aback by that reaction. So I just left him alone stepped back. Like I took a looot of steps back and stood there with my umbrella in the rain waiting for the bus to arrive cause I didn't want to bother him anymore. I never truly thought any of it. It surprised me. Yes. Did it make me angry? Maybe a little bit. But I was also very used to my father suddenly snapping at me or my mom in this fashion and I just left him alone. Like I understand when you're not in the bst mood and you just want to be left alone. So that's what I did. Like I literally forgot all about it really. LOL Then one day le guy be coming over asking for the key to the basement of the apartment building to put the bike of my brother away. Yeah.. That's a whole nother stoy on it's own and me constantly being confused as to how or why they were even friends in the first place. LOL So I did that and then he wanted to talk to me when he came to return the key. So we ended up in the staircase of the apartment building and started talking. He then proceeded to apologize for that one morning. And what did I do? Nothing. Guys! LOL I can explain. Or.. well.. actually I can't. LOL So he just aplogized and I literally said nothing. LOL I was so perplexed as to why this was just happening. Like I couldn't care less. I literally didn't even understand why he apologized to me in the first place. Besides the whole fact of me rarely-... now thinking of it.. I don't know if anyone every really apologized to me before that day.. Or ever really.. Hmm.. I mean probably. But I don't remember. LOL He was so confused by my reaction and asked me if I accept his apology and I accepted it, still being hella confused by what was going on. Imagine someone doing something not so nice to you, realizing it and then going up to you to genuinely apologize and all you get is nothing. LOL So.. can you understand now why I can relate to Sieun so much. LOL I feel like this is probably one of the best examples. LOLBecause of all this it's only natural that Sieun started to worry seeing Suho appearing with a broken leg at school. And in true hyung fashion Suho brushed it off and told Sieun not to worry. Suho's behaviors towards Sieun truly be brushing off on Sieun later becoming a whole thing. Cause Suho was Sieun's teacher and Sieun was Suho's student, but neither of them knew that. It just naturally all snapped into place.Suho became Sieun's most precious.. thing... Suho is not a thing...? LOL Most precious human?! Not me staring at this sentence wondering how the heck to finish it. LOL Basically... Suho became very dear to Sieun. Suho became so dear to Sieun to the point if anything would were to happen to him Sieun would go insane. Foreshadowing 101 here guys. LOL Sieun finally found his reason to live. The reason to keep going. The reason that makes life more enjoyable. This should have been his parents before it became Suho.Let's take a detour from me basically reciting almost the whole plot or something. LOL The relationship of Suho and Sieun had reminded me of myself. I always say I don't have friends and never had any but that's not correct. The problem is I have this very certain idea in mind of what a friend is, so much so that I struggle so hard to genuinely call someone a friend. Even though they are basically my friends but for some reason something is always missing. This being one thing. The other thing being, while I do struggle with this I also get too easily attached. Attached to things, attached to humans. I struggled my whole life getting far too attached just to suddenly having it taken away from me. Everytime I truly loved something or someone even, something ended up happening and it was gone from my life. To have this thought walking with you through life and it happening over and over again is truly no fun."In the end I got things I loved taken away from me."All these toys and clothing items that I got attached to as a kid just being gone one day. I did not grew out of the toy yet but it was gone faster than I could think. I just momentarily didn't want to play with it and my parents thought I lost interest. I am aware how ridiculous this must be sounding but this is the kind of person that I am. I did love my toys a lot, still have some plushies left from my childhood. I also really loved some clothing items so much it didn't matter how worn they were, I would keep wearing them everyday if I could. Same thing with humans. Everytime I started to befriend someone, suddenly one day they be moving away. Not every single time but it did in fact happen.And when I finally after so many years of crushing on random guys, never knowing what the fuck love even is to begin with, I finally found this person. Well I knew him for a very long time actually before anything started happening as a whole. This one person that became so special and dear to me. The first person I could basically stab someone for. Like it was that serious for me. My mom didn't care. My brother didn't care. To this day I still don't understand what the fuck they ever had against him and us being together. I never related to Romeo and Juliet that strongly ever in my life before. So in the end it was me who just ran away again and for good. I was never that strong to fight, even though I tried. And if anything were to happen to him, I don't know what's going to happen to me to be real honest.In the end Sieun also had to face the bad things. Sieun learned about literally anyhting in life in this short time period he got to know and hangout with Suho. It's actually insane how fast you can grow attached to each other. It literally doesn't matter if it's a week or a month or a year. When you click and match so well it's gonna be like as if you knew each other your whole life even if you didn't.

First Sieun wanted to keep Suho save, plainly cause of his still unwell leg I assume. He probably wanted to hide that whole thing from him. Like think about it. It's your birthday and someone is just out here to ruin it all and seize his chance or something. He didn't tell where he was going cause he didn't want to ruin the mood. Suho was so happy and Sieun didn't want to ruin that. I really wonder what Sieun was thinking. Like did he really think he would go there and come back as if nothing happened? Like he definitely had some sort of a plan. But I guess his plan did not include to end up in hospital. And because Suho was just bound to get to know about it someday, he ofocurse had to do something about it too, because Sieun is as precious to Suho as Suho is to Sieun. And again noone telling the other about it. Noone wanted the other to worry. Is this what Sieun learned from Suho? Telling him he's fine and even hiding it so he doesn't worry about him? Is this what Suho's behavior while his leg was injured, was telling Sieun? Don't worry about me I'll be fine it's nothing. Damn you Suho, this wasn't the best idea. But Suho didn't want to worry Sieun, because he also had a clue as to whom did this to him and I guess he just couldn't bring himself to break it to him. Guess Suho just couldn't bear seeing Sieun worried and in pain. Like Sieun has been living in this world of darkness and he finally was able to escape it. There is no way Suho is going to ruin this. He wanted Sieun to be happy.So one thing led to another and Sieun finally snapped with noone to hold him back this time. He was so determined and went through with his plan from start to finish. He probably just wanted to go home after everything he did that day. Or just wanted to go see Suho. He was so done with everything and so full of hatred and frustration. He was pretty much on autopilot that told him Suho needed to be avenged. This is what I told you guys. If someone becomes this precious to you, you're not stopping at nothing and noone the moment something bad is going to happen to your precious human. We basically saw Sieun snapping all over again and this time the trigger was even more intense than it was before.And when he wanted to just leave the scene as if nothing ever happened and calm down, people suddenly started to stop him. He literally just wanted to fucking leave cause he was done with everything. He wanted to be left alone. Imagine you're on this whole adrenaline rush while also filled with pure hatred and you don't want to interact with noone except the ones you want to hurt and suddenly someone be telling you to stop. You don't want to hurt anyone else and you also just want to leave. Cause in all reality you're just sad. You're so bitterly sad and don't really know what to do and then your sadness changes into hatred. But now the hatred is gone and all there is left is sadness. Just pure sadness realizing, that even doing this is not going to change the fact that Suho is in a coma right now. Nothing is going to change that.Everyone is loving this scene right? I literally can't deal. Need to step away from this. Like imagine you immerse yourself so much into a show that you can relate so strongly with as well. You would have done the exact same thing in that situation. You're feeling like you fully became Sieun in that moment. There is also a moment in my life where I was so angry and sad at the same time and literally loosing my bloody mind but everyone holding me captive. I was not okay. It started with me being sad, turning into anger and then both just mixed together. Guys I literally started cursing at my own mother because I couldn't take this shit anymore.I wasn't able to fight like Sieun. Wasn't even able to fight in a similar way. I was just there perceived as this little kid that needed to be taken care of, cause she doesn't know what she's doing. Imagine this... Remember that guy? My precious human. We tried dating. LOL Didn't work out that well the first time around. Like that was just hella awkward not gonna lie. Then fast forward literal 5 years. LOL Yes I am not going to go into full on storytime cause I only want to talk about one specific incident. So basically 5 years later in december of 2015. LOL I think it was my mom who gave me the phone number of that guy. Asking me if I want it. LOL Don't look at me I don't get it either. Yes same guy my mother and brother are against. Also keep in mind this whole time him and my brother were friends. LOL But I never understood that frienship. It never made any sense to me. Both constantly annoyed by each other. It was so stupid actually. LOL So basically what happened was le me ended up meeting le guy and we both were single and one thing led to another. And as we all know at the end of december is new years eve and after that new years day right? So I actually ended up spending new years eve at his place with him and his mother, cause they also still lived together. The plan was simple. My family didn't know shit basically. Yes I wasn't kidding when I said I was relating to Romeo and Juliet far too much. So I went to spent time at his place and we were meant to go and meet with my brother and his girlfriend at this time before midnight to celebrate new years together right? As one does.. right? Totally normal.. RIGHT?! Well.. Wrong. We ended up running kinda late but it literally still was at least like 15 minutes or so until midnight, like it was "not" that serious and aboslutely zero problem. My brother wasn't having it and making a whole scene of saying that he was late (rememeber we weren't together lol). Like it was absolutely ridiculous and they had a whole ass argument over it and then le guy left cause he wasn't having it. Well then I wasn't having it. Like I had my whole other plan and I wanted it to be all happy and friendly and this whole amazing thing. I started to get angry and sad and ended up blurting out things and everyone understanding a whole nother situation that was going on and my brother wouldn't let me call him first. He was furious but still wanted to celebrate new years, as if anyone could possibly concentrate on that shit now. Literally everyone's fireworks went up into the air and everyone was cheering and my brother was like here light one too. I was "literally" not having it. Like are you serious right now?! And then "celebrations" ended and we all went to our parents home where I was staying at. On the way I ended up drinking a little bit of the alcohol they brought to celebrate. LOL Literally not much at all, clearly wanting more cause I didn't know what else to do anymore. Arriving at my parents home, my brother went off to le guy and I was about to lose it in my head. Like what if he's going to beat him up for whatever reason?! And then I got stuck in a room sitting on the bed beside me the girlfriend of my brother and my mother was also there for literally no reason but okay. Then they tried to calm me down and I was mostly silent cause I knew saying anything did absolutely nothing. Noone actually cared about what I was saying. My anger started to rise and about to explode while also being anxious about what my brother was up to. Those 2 women not understanding a single thing. Me starting to curse cause I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was so frustrated. I literally could not do a single thing and nothing mattered. It was as if I was chained up and silenced for my own good or whatever. My mother totally sleep deprived was just brushing everything off. Like I was telling her all sorts of things and she was like yeah I know how you feel. Like I was literally not taken seriously. Just like a little kid being silenced cause how would it know anything about adult business. Now let me tell you something. I was fucking 22 years old! (18 being the legal age in my country.) Let that sink in! In the end I literally started crying. Then finally my brother came back with le guy and I had to meet up with him and talk. But I was already so done with everything. I literally did not want to talk to him, just plainly cause I had a feeling nothing is going to come of it judging based on how everyone was treating me. So we did end up talking and le guy told me the things he did is what he would do with every other female friend. Told you I had a feeling. I was just something like: Yeah okay whatever. I don't understand a single thing but okay sure. You should have seen his face. LOL I didn't cause a scene because I was already so exhausted and knowing that nothing mattered anways. I was so done and over with this shit. But he wanted to talk, cause he probably did not understand my calm reaction at all. LOL That totally threw him off for sure.The reason why Sieun didn't hit Beomseok to me is actually quite simple. Not me shamelessly just going back to th whc. LOL Sieun just wanted to know what all this shit that happened is supposed to mean. Why the fuck did you do it? We were friends. What is wrong with you?! I don't understand anymore. To that Beomseok could only answer that he himself had absolutely zero clue. So Sieun sensed that there is no point in hitting Beomseok. He never fully hated Beomseok either. Hitting him wouldn't have done anything to noone. It would have hurt Sieun even more cause he hates fights and really doesn't want to do it unless it's absolutely necessary or he's being emotional. Beomseok was already so messed up and destroyed by everything that hitting him would have done absolutely nothing. He was already at his lowest point. Getting hit would feel like nothing.Maybe now you can understand why I can relate to Sieun far too much. Like I really don't know if this is healthy anymore or not. THE END. LOL No actually not. This was just me rambling about season 1. LMAO Now cue Season 2. LOL Or something like that.

whc2"He needed someone to guide him out of the darkness."Remember my reaction after re-watching whc1? The crying, shaking, shivering, headache, being generally unwell - kind of mental breakdown aka I don't know what the fuck that was? Yeah..So here I went to watch Season 2 in pure depression emo mode. And Sieun being the same or worse (Like I literally couldn't tell anymore.) wasn't helping. It all started with this therapy session. That to be honest got me so confused cause I thought that was his mother. LOL I was literally going back and forth wondering if he in fact went to therapy or not. LOL I think my brain was just too fried at this point. LOLSieun was literally dead inside. Couldn't sleep well at all hence being tired all the time which led him to sleep in school. He was so done and tired with the world, he didn't even bother putting in earphones anymore. Poor thing was surrounded by this black cloud that never seemed to be leaving his side. I wonder what the point of therapy was even anymore. They were only showing it in episode 1 as well. Like his mother probably signed him up for it and he wasn't having it. I wonder if he was even working with the therapist. If he even told the therapist what happened or not. Like how can he still not be able to sleep properly? How is he still so down. Was it that bad or did therapy suck? Like think about it. Him meeting the others and Juntae then finally telling him that it wasn't his fault. Him finding new friends and them putting life back into him. Like what was the point of therapy anyways? When it was Juntae who helped him sleep. When it was him making friends that made the dark cloud disappear a little every day. When it was Juntae who told him it wasn't his fault. Like what kind of message is this sending out? Don't go to therapy but make friends instead? LOL I seriously don't know. This wasn't the best advertisement for therapy, honestly..Also Sieun doing his own kind of therapy session right outside Suho's hospital room cause he doesn't even dare to go in anymore. He started this whole message diary journal for Suho not knowing what the future is going to be.Sieun's letters reminded me of my monthly letters that I sent Lee Hongki while he was enlisting. Like why am I able to relate to almost everything.. Seriously.. Back in 2019 the world was going under in the ftisland fandom, is how I exerienced it cause of everything hat was happening. Literally one thing after another me not being able to relax. Never cried this much in my entire life in the span of a year before. I was basically going insane or something while it also felt like finally becoming myself in the strangest way ever.So basically what happened was, because ftisland was about to enlist and I literally didn't know when I will ever be able to see them again. I tried to go to as many concerts, fanmeetings, musicals as possible. I was basically completely overdoing it guys. And when the dreaded day arrived, I was not okay anymore.The last day I saw Hongki live in front of my eyes was the last day he performed in that musical back then and the next day he literally went to enlist. I couldn't go to send him off with the other fans because I didn't know the exact date and it got announced too late and I already booked a flight home on that very day. So that was the last day I saw him before enlistment and basically ever. Like... That was literally the last day I saw Hongki in person.. I still remember how the musical ended and me trying not to be sad about the story of the musical. Cause damn that musical.. So I was running down stairs, running up stairs. All wearing platform sneakers. I thought I'm going to fall face forward any second now. The things that went through my head guys. Don't ever get attached to someone guys. Do not recommend. LOL It literally felt like I personally knew him and were running up those stairs. Like so desperate, so shaky. Then he said his goodbyes to all the fans who came and took photos and left. When I turned to my friends and they be asking me if I'm okay in that very moment I just started sobbing so hard. It just felt too real. It was very much real. I've been sad and crying the whole way back to the subway station.And after all this I started to wonder what the fuck I should do while they're enlisting. Like what does one do?! I never had anyone enlist in my life before. LOL Then Hongki dropped his adress and told us we can send letters and all that to said adress. And I was like: heck yeah this is it. I'm gonna write him a letter every single month he's in there. Those letters literally turned into diary entries. Just me reporting my life but mainly it was me writing down all sorts of random thoughts I was having in that moment I was writing the letter. Those letters got really long too. The longest one in written form cause I was using printed out lined paper and tried to write as big and clear as I could using enough spaces in between paragraphs and all that. So one ended up with 14 pages. LOL And no I'm not kidding. LOL How I also wrote Hongki about my thoughts about life and shit too. The longest letter also being the saddest letter and the one I know for a fact that he received. Like.. I don't know if I like that or not to be real honest.So me still being emo and then suddenly witnessing Bakus entrance, literally turning on his own background music. LOL Please what the hell was that?! LOL I laughed so hard. LOL Next thing I knew was Sieun helping Juntae. Then everyone getting punished and sent to volunteering together at some point. Baku this dude ruffling Sieun's hair and telling him to do the same and then Juntae fixing his hair. Everyone truly treating Sieun like a kid. LOL This lost kitten that needs to be fed a.s.a.p. or they'll die basically. This whole thing of Baku becoming this new hyung/father figure in his life was so fricking heartwarming. And Baku being the way he is was just everything Sieun needed to be snapped right of any dark thoughts he could possibly be having. Like how can you be emo and depressed when there is a Baku by your side. LOL I literally started tearing up with that realization. Like "this" is what Sieun needed so badly. He needed people that stand out so much and are kind of dumb that it makes him rewire his brain chemistry. Like this behavior distracts you perfectly. This whole thing helped him get distracted so much so that we got one of the most magical smiles I've ever seen in my entire life. Like what the hell was that?! What angel possessed Sieun? Like I was just minding my business watching and enjoying the show. And suddenly Sieun be doing his thing. I could swear I saw his face lit up as if someone shown a spotlight onto it or something. He smiled and noone even noticed. LOL Like he smiled oh so subtly. Like I literally never saw, whatever the heck I just witnessed, ever in my life before. Maybe cause I was still in emo mode? Maybe cause I didn't expect it. I. Don't. Know. It was literally as authors would describe as "..and his face lit up". Like Sieun literally looked like glowing. What the hell?! All this leading to all his new found friends and Sieun not minding Baku touching his head anymore.Also can we talk about how unwell Sieun screaming while fighting Seongje made me feel. He never screamed like this before. It was so strange. He truly wasn't the Sieun that we used to know anymore. He was still the same but different. Sieun adopted so much from Suho and it now started to truly show. Don't cross the line. Him fighting starting to argue with his mom which he probably never truly did before either. Him lowkey fighting Baku's dad. Everyone was so surprised with Baku's dad especially. Meanwhile me was just watching and everythig just made sense to me. Like he truly stepped out of the world he lived in before realizing this can't be right. He started becoming stronger and gaining more courage to finally speak up about things more than before. All thanks so Suho and the connection Sieun has with him. Like he went through all this shit. Suho has been in a coma for far too long now. At this point he was so tired of everything, he didn't want to go back anymore. He literally couldn't go back anymore. The door was now locked forever and the keys lost somewhere along the way. He never wanted to ever fight with noone but now that got more intense after everything that happened with the trio. He was so over it, that I thought he would never even bother anymore and even force himself to hold back. I'm glad though that he didn't and became what Suho was for him to Juntae.Juntae my guy. Damn how much I love him. Healernim will always have a place in my heart. Like I love all of them but Juntae is a whole nother level. Season 2 finally introduced a mother figure into Sieun's life. Isn't it funny how this drama was basically just there to help Sieun. To give him the parents he never had. Give him the siblings and friends he never had. Give him all the love and care in the world this poor thing deserved so much for struggling for far too long.First Sieun didn't want to have to do anything with anyone let's be real. But then Juntae literally stumbled in his life. This cute little fellah. It was actually quite funny to see what made Juntae return all those phones. Just cause Sieun told him about this theory, that I still don't know if he understood correctly or not. LOL Cause I didn't get it, especially not when Sieun said he understood it wrong. So here we go Sieun starting to have an interest in Juntae and even helping him now too. Juntae wasn't scared of him. Juntae didn't shy away from him. He even tried to follow his advice of sorts. LOL This all leading to Sieun gaining more and mroe interest in him. I really enjoyed watching Juntae taking care of Sieun. He told him what to do to have better sleep and it worked. He gave him food and they even went to eat lunch together. He treated his wounds while teaching him about how to treat your own wounds. He didn't run away from him even when Sieun tried to scare him off. He fixed his hair after Baku ruffled it. He made sure Sieun was safe while being in danger himself. And the most important one of them all: he told Sieun that it's not his fault. At that point Sieun didn't need his parents anymore. Didn't need therapy anymore. After wondering if he could ever have friends ever again. He didn't just find new friends he found a whole new family. He got his hyung/older brother figure Suho. His father figure Baku and his mother figure Juntae now. And no guys I did not forget about Hyuntak. LOL Me just mentioning the people that stood out to me the most. LOL I know Hyuntak is there and I love him as much as the others. Yes I'm biased.. I know...Sieun truly went from: "leave me alone, I can live alone for the rest of eternity" to "I never knew this is all I ever wanted, all I ever needed". Went from a stray cat to a loving home. Finally found his place in the world.

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오범석 / Oh Beomseok

"He just wanted to belong."Where do I even start with this guy... Seriously why is this so hard? Like.. do I go chronogically or do I just start.. somewhere? Oh boy..The first introduction to Beomseok we're getting is him ending up as a victim of the bully who wanted him to harm Sieun. All in fear Beomseok did what he was told. Imagine escaping this situation from another school just to end up at your new school and nothing has changed. That you snap back to old habits and just do what they tell you cause you've already been through it before and know what's bound to happen, when you don't comply. How much someone would have to destroy a human for them to become like this. Beomseok never wanted to hurt noone. Like why even? There was no real desire to hurt anyone. Except his bullies ofcourse. So he did what he was told, saw what it led to and got scared again. So because he didn't want to do any of this to begin with he went to Sieun to apologize. His apology coming across as a whole ass plead. As in: Please don't kill me, I only did what I was told and I swear I didn't want to do any of this. Sieun already understood the whole situation but I feel like he didn't want Beomseok to suck up to him in a way. Sieun knew Beomseok was just being bullied and following orders. Meanwhile Beomseok was probably freaking out thinking, what if Sieun is going to come after me now? Especially after witnessing Sieun almost killing people. I'd be literally scared for my life to be honest, especially being the one who made him become like this.Bully got expelled and send to another school after everything that happened. But ofcourse he still was angry and needed his own little revenge arc or else he's gonna combust or something. So he aquried all his soldiers and took Sieun. Beomseok witnessing it all and ran to Suho of all people. First of all where did that thought even come from? Did he choose Suho just plainly because of how he reacted with Sieun? Probably... Why didn't he choose a teacher? Honestly! What are they even gonna do? Call the police? But then noone knew where they went as well. Also the whole thing that Beomseok was offering Suho money out of a fricking reflex maybe? The whole thing about that money solves all problems kind of mindset. I mean he had to do something cause Suho wasn't budging at all and Beomseok was loosing his mind worrying about Sieun while also still feeling guilty in a way probably. What if Beomseok never saw anything and Suho neither and none of them went to find Sieun? Sieun might have ended up in hospital or be going bruised to school the next day.Also why didn't Suho budge until Beomseok offered him money? I thought our guy was highly interested in Sieun especially by this point. I feel like he just didn't want to get involved in something. They weren't even friends yet. What does he got to do with Sieun in the first place. Suho got other life problems than getting involved in a fight that he doesn't even know anything about really. Isn't that crazy? He was so against going with Beomseok really. I wonder what had happened in his past before to be immediately going into this: it's none of my business kind of mode. First of all it was literally none of his business for sure. What was he scared of? Was there something he was scared of? Didn't he want to get involved just in case something happens. Because think about it. He's been working day in and day out. All for helping his grandma out. He's only going to school really to get that attendance in. Like he has other problems and there was no need for thim to get involved with other people's lifes not knowing what the outcome is gonna be like. Like imagine you're witnessing Sieun on a killing spree and even end up stopping him cause you're the only one in the room who can. While you've been enjoying it, you also don't actually want to get involved with whatever you've just witnessed. He might have even thought Sieun would be totally fine and wouldn't need no help. Like what is Beomseok so worried for? Haven't we all witnessed the same Sieun in that classroom before? If you're oh so worried call a teacher. Yeah.. I've been thinking about this one a bit too much lately. LOLSo they did end up going to look for Sieun and found him and helped him. This was the first time Beomseok ever helped someone. Ever hitting someone too, to help Sieun.And as a reward they all got to work with Suho at the barbecue place? Like what was that suddenly all about? LOL Did he want to treat them to a meal but they had to agree to help him cause food is not free? LOL Did they do that as a thank you to Suho and then Suho treating them to a meal? No matter what it was, they're were all having a random bonding experience. Beomseok and Sieun probably working for the first time in their lifes. The way Suho is taking care of people sometimes is truly too amusing. Suho truly showing these two guys real life. Like nothing is free in this world and you gotta work for it. It was so heartwarming to watch not gonna lie. Seeing Beomseok in the kitchen looking like he found his place where he belonged. LOL NO!! I... I mean.. This is not what I meant. LOL When all he ever did was following orders for evil before and now he's been there all voluntarily. No force, no harm. Just there washing the dishes, helping out again. Feeling useful for the first time in his life. He finally started to feel like he belonged somewhere and the start of a good friendship was going to unfold.Beomseok finally found his place and became this whole helper kind of person. He finally found his calling and what he could do. He could help. He called Suho for Sieun. He helped Suho with the knife injury the gangster gave him. He found Sieun's phone and gave it back to him. He went to cram school with Sieun so he won't be alone in danger. No more following orders. Finally being useful. Finally someone wanting him in their lifes. And then his helping started to go overboard. Bro took that watch to a pawn shop and Suho wasn't having it while Sieun being utterly in shock as to how he would even come up with such an idea in the first place. They both didn't like it and all Beomseok wanted to do, is help. He thought this would be an easy fix. Cause he learned money is able to fix things. Slowly but surely he had to rewire his brain and learned in the cruelest ways that moeny is in fact not the way to go and was never an easy fix to begin with.Chronological order things is destroying my brain guys... Also me being on my period on a hot ass fucking day is not helping either.. Yeah just let me rant in the middle here okay.. Leave me be. My brain is so fried right now.. Okay what came next again?? @.@Finally everything is over and the guys found themselves in front of Beomseok's adopted father's person. Like what was this dude anways? A lawyer? My brain doesn't contain information of characters I don't like. LOL Hence why I'm not writing certain names cause I have zero memory of it in the first place. LOL So basically what ended up happening was wild. This whole thing of him getting told to just hit the gangster who did this all to them. To use him as a punching bag. To just do it. Damn Beomseok wanted to do that so bad but it also disgusted him to no end so he held back and let it out on the trash can in the hallway instead. He doesn't want to turn into an evil person. He has found friends now. He doesn't want to do evil things anymore. Doesn't want to hurt people anymore. He is so over this whole using violence as you please kind of thing. Also this whole thing of hating to get told what to do being the main reason. Like don't tell me what to do I'm not your puppet. I'm not punching him for your own satisfaction just cause you told me to. I'm not like my adopted father resorting to violence every chance he gets.Suddenly Youngi gets adopted to their friend group because she became friends with Sieun and Suho. Everyone lowkey starting to forget about Beomseok focusing more on Youngi now. I'm just stating my thoughts here bear with me okay. This scene were Beomseok was walking behind Suho and Youngi just being there trying to make himself known. Happy whenever Suho was talking kind of annoyed whenever Youngi was saying something. He didn't like her to be there from the very beginning. Me watching this scene was like watching myself. I was like great... didn't need an actual visualization for that from an outside perspective of it all.Beomseok literally started to act like how I usually end up in group settings. I have such a hard time with groups and apparently with sharing friends too. Guess I adopted this whole thing my brother did to me not wanting to share his friends with me to the point of not letting us interact every chance he got. Like what kind of behavior is that in the first place? I do have problems whenever there is a new person getting introduced into my already existing friendship and them ending up interacting with them more than me. Or I be introducing someone new and they suddenly be interacting with each other and I become invisble. Maybe it's the whole third wheeling thing I did too many times while hanging out with my best friend at that time and her multiple boyfriends. To this day I have zero clue why I did this to myelf or why they even invited me in the first place. Like they were on a date and I was just there most of the time. Like what the fuck was the point of all this anyways? LOLI generally have a huge problem getting ignored even in the slightest. While also having this whole paradox going on of me not actually wanting too much attention either. Like please give me attention and look at me but just don't overdo it. Everytime I be voicing myself that I feel left out and ignored and not seen they'd be overdoing it with the attention afterwards (But it also happened too often, that after doing it a little bit they snapped right back into their old habits and i became a ghost all over again.). Acting as if that's what I wanted. I'm not an attention seeker. I don't want an overdose of attention. I just don't want to feel left out, ignored, basically feeling like a ghost. I have a hard time interacting in a group and usually end up being silent and just observing and listening. For some reason I keep missing my time to say something or don't want to say it as a whole. While at the same time literally waiting for people to notice me. Making it this whole social experience wondering when they're going to interact with me or if they're going to interact me as a whole. Some of you might say it's my own fault for not integrating myself into the group and to just fucking start talking instead of staying silent. All I have to say to this.. Imagine watching other groups interacting with each other and everyone asking each other questions and everyone be including each other. Meanwhile I'd be in a group and noone would ever interact with me at all or it would take them forever. Are they doing this on purpose? What kind of behavior is this? I could just be there completely silent and noone would ever interact with me or just when the group starts to move or everyone wanting to go home or something. Think about what this does to someone. How this makes someone feel. Yes you guessed it. It makes them feel left out.It's so funny to me whenever I be mentioning it they would be like.. But we love you and we care for you. We don't ignore you. If you don't interact with me just cause I'm staying silent and you're thinking this is okay... then you didn't understand. I feel like they will always tell me to fucking open my mouth.Well.. You know what? I did.. This time it's not a real life setting. It's texting in a group chat with people I got to know in real life at a concert. Someone made this groupchat so we can interact with each other right? Like I'd be out here yapping like there is no tommorow but rarely ever getting a reaction of any kind or at all even. Or I be silent and suddenly after days sometimes they'd be noticing and wondering where I am and asking for me. Then the very moment I'd be silent, they be starting to chat with each other. Like I wrote either a lot or not even that much at all and they'd be out here starting their conversation and completely ignoring all my text messages and never interacting with it whatsoever. Like what kind of behvaior is that? Am I supposed to understand this? I don't get it. And when I mentioned it they started to apologize and told me how much they like me and that I shouldn't leave. That I am the one keeping the groupchat alive with my yapping... that noone really interacts with.. How is someone supposed to feel loved when you act like this? So in the end I left the groupchat cause I literally felt stupid.I really don't think this is just a me problem. I won't ever accept that as just a me problem. It's not just me. Stop behaving like that at least when I be talking to you about it. You don't have to go overboard with your attention. You don't have to interact with every single text message I send. Just don't be treating me like I'm invisible or something and then proceed to tell me how much you care about me. Cause to me it would just sound like complete utter nonsense.It's the same thing with me telling people that I'm not the healthiest person alive and they would have to keep that in their mind when hanging out with me. Like I struggle with things others don't. I have a hard time going on bycicle tours cause it basically kills me. Can't go swimming with them cause I can't hang out with them in the deep water pool cause of breathing problems for whatever reason. I can do things in moderations or with a lot of breaks and I be fine. But you know what happens again. Same exact pattern. They either be treating me like everyone else and I'd be out here struggling trying not to talk about it. Or I do be mentioning it and they start to treat me like a very sick person or something. Like there is just no middle ground. Just because I tell you I'm sick doesn't mean you should now treat me like the utmost sensitive person in existence.Everytime I'd be mentioning any of my struggles they'd be starting to struggle themselves how to treat me from now on and completely destroying their brains over it. Like they suddenly can't function anymore. So I rather stay silent and deal with it somehow on my own instead of making others struggle for me just because they don't understand and to be honest I don't know if they even actually want to understand.When you just want to be living like the people you're watching. It's so easy to them. They don't have to be told what to do or what to be careful about. They just do it. And even if they get told they'd be totally normal and accepting and understanding about it instead of being extremely awkward and their brain starting to malfunction.From here on out everything just started to go south. Suddenly Beomseok's past bullies be appearing at the karaoke place. Beomseok starting to freak out and randomly lashing out on Youngi. Suho going after Youngi while Sieun asks if he's okay. Sieun was always the one asking if Beomseok is okay. Always looking for that conversation and trying to help him. Today I started this thought of: Sieun is like, what Juntae is to him for Beomseok. Sieun understands Beomseok and doesn't judge him and just wants to help him. Wants to be there for him. While Suho is out here in a completely different realm of understanding. Suho and Beomseok needed Sieun's understanding of things to help both of them out. To help Suho to understand Beomseok and vice versa. He was the middle ground, the observer, the analyst. The one who understood it all and just didn't want them to fight as a whole. Poor Sieun getting flachbacks to his parents fighting over him and then sees his friends fighting each other. See what I mean when I say that I don't like fighting. Can't we do something about it without lashing out on each other or hitting each other? Sieun must have gotten so scared and worried witnessing all this.My brain jumping from one scene to another without even telling you. Huehue Sorry...

So Beomseok started to hide from his past bullies cause they kept calling him and he didn't know what to do anymore and the first response is to run away and hide. Sieun started to worry about him and told Suho so they both went to see him. Then both of them started to get an inside look on Beomseok's life. He told them that he's adopted and then started to tell them about his bullies. And again Suho reacting with anger for the bullies while Sieun basically staring down Beomseok and asking him if he's okay. It's so fascinating to watch how different people can react to such information and they both care a lot for Beomseok, just in their own special way. For Beomseok Suho was the warm kind and caring, always ready to fight for him kind of father/older brother figure that he never had. While Sieun was this loving and understanding mother figure that he also truly needed. The way they all needed each other so much in their lifes is crazy to think about. They were everything they needed in life for each other. Like puzzle pieces clicking into place.And now we arrived at the turning point. Suho suggesting to go and meet them and have them apologize to Beomseok. Like that was never a good idea. What made Suho think these idiots would apologize to Beomseok in the first place? Like I literally thought Suho would end up hitting them themselves so much so they would end up on the floor apologizing to Beomseok. Like this would have just made sense. But for some reason Suho wanted them to genuinely apologize to Beomseok. Thinking this would solve everything? I still don't understand this thought process to be real honest. LOL Also the way Suho got so surprised by Beomseok basically wanting to hit his bully to the point of needing an ambulance. That moment Suho telling Beomseok to just hit them once cause they weren't apologizing was kind of funny to me. Cause again what did he think is going to happen? Like him hitting them once and that would be it and they could leave? Like.. Seriously what was Suho thinking? LOL Watching his surprised face, I wanted to tell him: told you so, like so bad. Sieun just being there though. LOL Watching everything unfold in front of his very eyes. I wonder what he was thinking this whole time.Suho realizing what the fuck he just started. LOL Started to stop Beomseok and he wasn't having it. He finally was able to get his revenge he's been dying for, for years probably. Beomseok had a full on Sieun moment going on and it was even harder to stop him. Suho probably thought Beomseok is gonna react in a similar way Sieun did back then. Little did he know. Beomseok was so not having it. It was the old: don't tell me what to do. Who do you think you are? Why are you stopping me now? You told me to hit them and now you're trying to hold me back? Do you really think I'm gonna listen to you now just because you say so? When you can relate to hating to get told what to do a bit too much...Now Suho and Beomseok ended up fighting and Sieun just wanted them to stop. While Suho just wanted to help and then have him come back to his senses to not give in to the dark side. Beomseok filled with hatred couldn't control himself any longer and anyone who would stop him now is gonna be his enemy.Me and my whole StarWars agenda that started to form in my head one day. LOL It's truly like: don't give in to the dark side or the darkness will swollow you whole. The hatred and the sadness aka the darkness started to eat Sieun and Beomseok as a whole. Only Suho or them to each other could snap them out of it. The whole metaphor in StarWars for hatred and sadness filled people becoming the people from the dark side is truly fascinating me now. Cause this is the perfect metaphor for whc realm honestly. This whole don't let the hatred, the sadness, the frustration, the guilt consume you. Or else you will become evil. Yeah.. I just said that. Beomseok in his Darth Vader era now or what? LOL Oh my god this thought is going too far now. LOL But it makes sense doesn't it? whc truly shows you how differently people deal with darkness. Some finally seeing the light and understand and are able to escape while others are trapped in darkness and they don't know how to escape and all the whispers in the dark will be getting to them and they just turn evil... And I have to stop now LOL Coming up with metaphors is far too much fun. LOLOkay back to the show?!Everyone becoming his enemy... Everyone who won't let me live out my anger will also become my target. I really shouldn't be able to relate to this...So everyone left the karaoke place and went on their own way. Beomseok then suddenly walking into the bullies at his new school and at the same time his old bullies be appearing from another corner. Like what the fuck is one supposed to do in that situation? Run? I mean running is always an option when you can't fight. LOL I would have probably done the same thing as Beomseok did. I mean they were already offering. Like you could run away and one of the groups or worse both of them could catch up to you and who knows what would have happened then. Or you could do what Beomseok did. The whole downside of this was, that he now isn't able to escape all of this without getting hurt. Imagine Beomseok would make the new bullies hurt his old bullies and then be like: okay thank you bye. LOL The new bullies would never let this go right? Beomseok was stuck with them now or else he would just end up being the victim all over again. I don't think it was ever about gaining power. Beomseok was scared and he wanted to change his life so much, he would resort to anything to change it. Even if that meant to befriend people he doesn't even actually like.And this is how Beomseok's Darth Vader era started.. What? Yeah I'm going with this now. LOLHe started to treat them at a club and they followed him on instagram and took photos with him. Beomseok started to get adjusted to his new life. He started to change while still somewhere inside of him his old self was screaming for help. Screaming to let it go. Don't let this get to you. Wake up! Snap out of it! This isnt you Beomseok!This isn't you Rory... Can you stop brain??... LOL Why did you drop out of Yale!! Okay brain.. LMAO I hate my brain. LOL What the fuck... Ach..Beomseok got a taste of the dark side and was totally into it now. He was in charge. He was loved and appreciated. He wasn't ignored or being left out. It seemed all too good to be true. At the same time this also slowly destroyed him. He started to think back. Stared at instagram looking at all the photos of Youngi having fun with his friends. Suho not following him. Everything was eating him alive. After Youngi joined them he felt like he started to disappear. He just wanted to be included. Wanted to belong like he used to. Seeing Suho following Youngi on instagram was just pouring salt into the wound. Imagine you'e having the best time of your life with your friends. You finally found a place where you belong. It started to feel like home. Until someone new entered the place disrupting everything that was going on before. Everything seemingly to be shifting their attention towards Youngi. Youngi integrating herself loudly didn't help either. Beomseok was just silently screaming to be seen without success. They didn't see him anymore. The whispers from the dark started getting louder.Then it all escalated in the cafeteria. Sieun beforehand wanted to discuss about Beomseok. He wanted to help him. Suho wasn't really having it. Beomseok was the enemy now and Suho saw no coming back from it. But Sieun just wanted both of his friends back. Wanted them all to be happy again. It was hard getting through to them. As an outsider Sieun fully understood what was happening but they just hated each other now and there was no going back. Beomseok was even provoking Suho now just adding to his whole new kind of powerful self not wanting for Suho to win. In the end Suho won and Sieun again just watching everything crumble cause they both just won't ever give in to each other.Everything just getting worse and worse and even Sieun gets more involved now ending up in hospital. Beomseok never actually wanted to hurt anyone. It was the darkness and the hatred that got to him all. The only time Beomseok literally ever hurt anyone him himself was helping Sieun and hitting the guy with Suho's helmet, hitting his past bully and then kicking Suho in the end. Remember Beomseok refused to use the gangster as a punching bag? Beomseok could have used way more violence himself. He could have totally done everything on his own. He was able to punch his past bully. He could have full on turned into his adoptive father. Could have aquired weapons even. Was it his old self still holding him back and screaming inside of him? Was it that he genuinely never wanted to actually hurt anyone? Why would you ask people to do something for you instead of doing it yourself? Was he scared to do anyhting himself cause then he would actually do something himself and it would feel too real?Seeing Suho laying there unconscious in the boxing ring after they were all done with him snapped Beomseok right out of everything really. The darkness left him all right in that moment and everything just came crashing down on him. In complete despair and disbelief and apologetic. He went up to Suho. He couldn't believe it. This was too real. He didn't want any of this. What happened? How did I end up here? Who did this? Who am I? This isn't me? What have I done? I am so sorry.Was it really entirely Beomseok's fault that Suho ended up in a coma? No it wasn't. Beomseok just took part in it and in the end might not even have been his fault as a whole cause he joined the kicking kind of late as well. Suho must have been already unconscious, if he wasn't already before they started ganging up on him and kicking him. Beomseok truly thought Suho's invincible. He would have been fine I think, if it wasn't for all the other factors that have happened prior to all of this. I mean he survived getting hit by a baseball bat okay! Also Beomseok's father's people. LOL Guy I have zero clue if this dude even has a name? LOL If they wouldn't have delayed the whole thing even further. Suho might have not been laying in coma as long as he did or at all even.Remember Suho got hit on the head with a fricking baseball bat and magically survived that and did not drop dead or something. Cause seriously?! How does one survive that though? Hello? Also the whole thing of Suho ending up in the hospital and Beomseok's adopted father's people or whatever paying for it all. But absolutely noone checking his head? He must have been bleeding on the head. Sieun must have asked about the bloodstains he saw on the floor. How the hell did this all go unnoticed or completely untouched? WHY WAS NOONE CHECKING SUHOS HEAD EXCUSE ME?? Then Suho probably getting yet another concussion with that motorbike accident after Beomseok ordered them to mess with Suho's motorbike brakes. And in the end that mma dude be literally kicking him in the head. Suho got in the ring already feeling dizzy remember? He was already absolutely not fine at all.So no Suho ending up in a coma was never entirely Beomseok's fault. And if you want to consider every single little thing. Then Beomseok was just one of the factors. Just one of the multiple reasons Suho ended up the way he did. Still mainly indirectly and the kicking not having any real impact at all. Am I defending Beomseok? Maybe? Kind of? He still should have never done what he did. It wasn't worth it. But this is what happens when.. Starting the StarWars soundtrack.. You turn to the dark side. This time there were no cookies. I need to stop.. LOL (Come to the dark side we have cookies... I'm fine guys.. LOL)

Oh Beomseok Extras

Genesis 4
Cain and Abel1 Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”2 And again, she bore his brother Abel. Now Abel was a keeper of sheep, and Cain a worker of the ground.3 In the course of time Cain brought to the Lord an offering of the fruit of the ground,4 and Abel also brought of the firstborn of his flock and of their fat portions. And the Lord had regard for Abel and his offering,5 but for Cain and his offering he had no regard. So Cain was very angry, and his face fell.6 The Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry, and why has your face fallen?7 If you do well, will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well, sin is crouching at the door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.”8 Cain spoke to Abel his brother. And when they were in the field, Cain rose up against his brother Abel and killed him.9 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Where is Abel your brother?” He said, “I do not know; am I my brother’s keeper?”10 And the Lord said, “What have you done? The voice of your brother’s blood is crying to me from the ground.11 And now you are cursed from the ground, which has opened its mouth to receive your brother’s blood from your hand.12 When you work the ground, it shall no longer yield to you its strength. You shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth.”13 Cain said to the Lord, “My punishment is greater than I can bear.14 Behold, you have driven me today away from the ground, and from your face I shall be hidden. I shall be a fugitive and a wanderer on the earth, and whoever finds me will kill me.”15 Then the Lord said to him, “Not so! If anyone kills Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.” And the Lord put a mark on Cain, lest any who found him should attack him.16 Then Cain went away from the presence of the Lord and settled in the land of Nod, east of Eden.++ While I was writing my thoughts on each of the quotes from Demian, that I thought would fit whc1&2 I wanted to read the story of Cain and Abel again after I saw the mention of it in Demian, cause I forgot all about it. I was literally at work and in a break googling the bible and the story of Cain and Abel. LOL And while I was reading my eyes widened and I was shocked upon the discovery I just made up in my head.What if Sieun is like god in this scenario and Kain is Beomseok and Abel is Suho. Like Beomseok was jealous of Suho getting most of the attention from Sieun. Which made him angry cause he already was an outcast and didn't get attention or love that he truly needed. Beomseok also like kinda gave offerings to Sieun in a way. It was Beomseok who got Suho to go and help Sieun. Beomseok also went and got money in exchange for the watch. They both got enraged with that which makes sense, cause they wanted to handle this in a different way and were just shocked at what Beomseok just did. So this was yet another letdown for him. So in the end Beomseok got a problem he wanted to be fixed. But he didn't know how to fix his problem. So what do humans do when they don't know how to fix a problem? Bingo, they want it gone. But the thing is Beomseok never wanted Suho to be actually gone or dead. He plainly acted on his intrusive thoughts that were all based on pure hatred he had built up through multiple occassions (StarWars theory guys. You're seeing my vision?). In the end he got Suho in a coma and also contributed to it in a way and finally snapped out of the darkness of hatred (for a short time...). that surrounded him seeing Suho laying in that boxing ring completely motionless. This also correlates with the part of Cain admitting to his sins and that they are to heavy to carry. The last part of Cain getting a mark from god so noone could hurt him and he would still suffer for the rest of his life but noone would kill him. The point here is, we don't know what happened to Beomseok. He might have gotten killed by the order of his adopted dad. He could be alive. We literally don't know. Deep down I hope for him that all this happening and Suho ending up in a coma and Sieun coming for him was punishment enogh. All I want is to help Beomseok. He truly needs it. He needs to repent on what he did and finally come back to his senses. Suho told him so many times to get it together and basically snap out of whatever path he chose to go down on. I guess the mark for Beomseok could be his guilt and the realization, that what he did was never a good idea. That he has to live with it now. Thoughts alone won't kill you immediately right? So maybe this is what it could be.

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안수호 / Ahn Suho
Compilation from Sieun and Beomseok

Sieun's SectionAnd this is where Suho slowly starts to come into play. I'm still convinced Suho's first impression of Sieun was his first ever reaction to said bully and he probably found it very amusing, even if we never actually got to see that on screen, cause all we saw was Suho sleeping.Suho was enjoying this a bit too much though. LOL It's interesting if you start to think of it from Suho's perpective. LOL He is just seeing this kid who never did nothing and always got the best grades. Zero friends, interacting with noone, always studying. That this sheer site of him could be amusing to outsiders is weirdly funny actually. Recently I started to think of Suho's character more cause of Hyunwook's book coming out and him talking about it and talking about whc again and me noticing that I rarely to never actually really thought about Suho. LOL From Suho's view Sieun probably looked like a child who just started out learnig marital arts. This angry child who is having a tantrum in a way but a very evil one. It's so hard to explain now thinking about it. LOL Like to me there is a reason why he found Sieun amusing. Just cause all he saw after seeing a vengeful teenager, he saw this child who still didn't calm down yet and now attacking bystanders. Sieun never learned any kind of martial arts. He has absolutely zero clue about it. He never fought anyone ever in his life before. So Suho found the way he fights just plainly amusing. Like watching a little kid tumble and turn while trying to perform their first moves they've learned in martial arts. Suho basically started to play with Sieun. Wanted to observe his moves and see his potential while being amused by it all and basically having fun. Meanwhile Sieun was taking this serious and nothing was fun for him whatsoever. Even I would have snapped myself when I be angry to this level and someone wouldn't take me serious even now. I would go insane. Interesting enough Sieun never truly came to hate Suho though. Cause I probably would. Like if I get treated like air basically and then get bullied and finally snap and then not being taken serious. Oh damn I would hate you for the rest of eternity and would not even apologize to you. So thinking about how Sieun apologized to Suho is quite interesting to me actually. He probably had enough time to calm down and think about everything that happened and he might have still had the drugs left in his system that time... who knows. So he had time to reflect and understand what was right and what was wrong and attacking Suho was not a good idea. So he apologized and Suho didn't even seem to really want an apology perse? Bro got highley interested and wanted to get to know Sieun. LOLTheir first enocunter being Suho fighting in class and knocking over Sieun's pencil case is utterly amusing actually. If Suho in fact did see Sieun react to the bully after he got hit with his shoe. Then this would have been the second time and Sieun reacting to Suho the same exact way. Think about it from Suho's perspective. Sieun comes off as totally savage in a quite amusing way and Suho was totally enjoying every single bit of it. Like this kid who seemed to merge with it's surrounding turning completely transparent suddenly starting to talk and even able to know exactly what to say in a mocking savage kind of way. Suho finally found his person truly. I mean it is very refreshing to see someone you would think would just crumble and be even more silent and run away to suddenly be this naturally savage.The whole fascination Sieun has with Suho is truly mesmerizing to watch. Sieun who never had friends, probably doesn't even truly know what that even means, getting to know Suho in the strangest ways. First Suho making himself quitely known, then be literally almost bumping into Sieun and then ends up fighting with him with the goal of stopping Sieun. Sieun probably wondered most of the time what Suho's business was. Why does he keep getting involved. Why does he keep appearing. Suddenly after the fight realizing he really shouldn't have attacked him and should have stopped fighting. And for some reason he meets Suho again outside the bus driving beside him. While at it he thought he might as well apologize for what he did and Suho told him he might as well just treat him to some good food. LOL And this is where it truly started. Them hanging out for the first time, Suho complaining, Sieun being his savage self and Suho enjoying the heck out of it. The funny thing is Sieun never truly needed to have any big interests in Suho, cause Suho be appearing almost all the time out of literally nowhere interacting with him. So Sieun just naturally followed along with what Suho started.Suho this hyung, that he never actually was, because he and Sieun are literally the same age. LOL Internalizing his whole hyung persona to the point of truly becoming this hyung, this older brother this sort of father figure, that Sieun was missing his entire life. Sieun kept observing Suho. Literally staring at him. Having this childlike facination of discovering something he's never seen before. Cause he has in fact never seen this before. He didn't know Suho. Didn't know what he was going through all the time. Didn't know why he was sleeping at school. He slowly got to know about Suho's world. Got to know about the world in general. Got to learn about what other teenagers be going through. Learned how to share, learned how to help, learned some random martial arsts skills. He learned what life is like. Suddenly realizing the world he lives in becoming so different. It turned from being dark, to being bright. Turned from being dull, to becoming colors. Slowly but surely Sieun probably now understanding, why the classmates were cheering even for the second place.Sieun got so used to doing things alone that now having someone with him needed some time getting used to. He's truly like this stray lost kitten that when they finally get adopted into a warm caring home it needs time to adjust from fighting everything and refusing everything to understand this is the new normal and it's safe now. Watching Suho picking up Sieun from cram school was just so heartwarming to watch even though Suho told him to help him with his delivery job. LOL Watching Sieun come out alone from cram school like he's used to while others are getting picked up by their parents and now suddenly Suho be appearing to do just that. Come and pick him up to hang out.Sieun really got thrown into this new world Suho was guiding him through. Not just learning about the good things but also learning about far too many bad things for anyone's liking. Sieun learned what it's like to worry about someone else. Sieun started to deeply care for Suho without even noticing. It came so naturally to him as if this was what he was waiting for the whole time. Sieun apologized to Suho. Sieun treated Suho to lunch. Sieun gave Suho water after he barged into his apartment, exhausted from his delivery job. LOL Sieun studied in the dark classroom, so Suho is able to actually sleep. Sieun helped out Suho with some of his jobs, mainly just cause Suho basically told him so. LOL Sieun looked up online how to make seaweed soup for Suho's birthday. Suho cared for Sieun in the way of being present for him. Hanging out with him. Showing him the world from his perspective. While Sieun thanked him for all this with helping him out.Because of all this it's only natural that Sieun started to worry seeing Suho appearing with a broken leg at school. And in true hyung fashion Suho brushed it off and told Sieun not to worry. Suho's behaviors towards Sieun truly be brushing off on Sieun later becoming a whole thing. Cause Suho was Sieun's teacher and Sieun was Suho's student, but neither of them knew that. It just naturally all snapped into place.Suho became Sieun's most precious.. thing... Suho is not a thing...? LOL Most precious human?! Not me staring at this sentence wondering how the heck to finish it. LOL Basically... Suho became very dear to Sieun. Suho became so dear to Sieun to the point if anything would were to happen to him Sieun would go insane. Foreshadowing 101 here guys. LOL Sieun finally found his reason to live. The reason to keep going. The reason that makes life more enjoyable. This should have been his parents before it became Suho.In the end Sieun also had to face the bad things. Sieun learned about literally anyhting in life in this short time period he got to know and hangout with Suho. It's actually insane how fast you can grow attached to each other. It literally doesn't matter if it's a week or a month or a year. When you click and match so well it's gonna be like as if you knew each other your whole life even if you didn't.First Sieun wanted to keep Suho save, plainly cause of his still unwell leg I assume. He probably wanted to hide that whole thing from him. Like think about it. It's your birthday and someone is just out here to ruin it all and seize his chance or something. He didn't tell where he was going cause he didn't want to ruin the mood. Suho was so happy and Sieun didn't want to ruin that. I really wonder what Sieun was thinking. Like did he really think he would go there and come back as if nothing happened? Like he definitely had some sort of a plan. But I guess his plan did not include to end up in hospital. And because Suho was just bound to get to know about it someday, he ofocurse had to do something about it too, because Sieun is as precious to Suho as Suho is to Sieun. And again noone telling the other about it. Noone wanted the other to worry. Is this what Sieun learned from Suho? Telling him he's fine and even hiding it so he doesn't worry about him? Is this what Suho's behavior while his leg was injured, was telling Sieun? Don't worry about me I'll be fine it's nothing. Damn you Suho, this wasn't the best idea. But Suho didn't want to worry Sieun, because he also had a clue as to whom did this to him and I guess he just couldn't bring himself to break it to him. Guess Suho just couldn't bear seeing Sieun worried and in pain. Like Sieun has been living in this world of darkness and he finally was able to escape it. There is no way Suho is going to ruin this. He wanted Sieun to be happy.Also Sieun doing his own kind of therapy session right outside Suho's hospital room cause he doesn't even dare to go in anymore. He started this whole message diary journal for Suho not knowing what the future is going to be.

Beomseok's SectionBully got expelled and send to another school after everything that happened. But ofcourse he still was angry and needed his own little revenge arc or else he's gonna combust or something. So he aquried all his soldiers and took Sieun. Beomseok witnessing it all and ran to Suho of all people. First of all where did that thought even come from? Did he choose Suho just plainly because of how he reacted with Sieun? Probably... Why didn't he choose a teacher? Honestly! What are they even gonna do? Call the police? But then noone knew where they went as well. Also the whole thing that Beomseok was offering Suho money out of a fricking reflex maybe? The whole thing about that money solves all problems kind of mindset. I mean he had to do something cause Suho wasn't budging at all and Beomseok was loosing his mind worrying about Sieun while also still feeling guilty in a way probably. What if Beomseok never saw anything and Suho neither and none of them went to find Sieun? Sieun might have ended up in hospital or be going bruised to school the next day.Also why didn't Suho budge until Beomseok offered him money? I thought our guy was highly interested in Sieun especially by this point. I feel like he just didn't want to get involved in something. They weren't even friends yet. What does he got to do with Sieun in the first place. Suho got other life problems than getting involved in a fight that he doesn't even know anything about really. Isn't that crazy? He was so against going with Beomseok really. I wonder what had happened in his past before to be immediately going into this: it's none of my business kind of mode. First of all it was literally none of his business for sure. What was he scared of? Was there something he was scared of? Didn't he want to get involved just in case something happens. Because think about it. He's been working day in and day out. All for helping his grandma out. He's only going to school really to get that attendance in. Like he has other problems and there was no need for thim to get involved with other people's lifes not knowing what the outcome is gonna be like. Like imagine you're witnessing Sieun on a killing spree and even end up stopping him cause you're the only one in the room who can. While you've been enjoying it, you also don't actually want to get involved with whatever you've just witnessed. He might have even thought Sieun would be totally fine and wouldn't need no help. Like what is Beomseok so worried for? Haven't we all witnessed the same Sieun in that classroom before? If you're oh so worried call a teacher. Yeah.. I've been thinking about this one a bit too much lately. LOLAnd as a reward they all got to work with Suho at the barbecue place? Like what was that suddenly all about? LOL Did he want to treat them to a meal but they had to agree to help him cause food is not free? LOL Did they do that as a thank you to Suho and then Suho treating them to a meal? No matter what it was, they're were all having a random bonding experience. Beomseok and Sieun probably working for the first time in their lifes. The way Suho is taking care of people sometimes is truly too amusing. Suho truly showing these two guys real life. Like nothing is free in this world and you gotta work for it. It was so heartwarming to watch not gonna lie. Seeing Beomseok in the kitchen looking like he found his place where he belonged. LOL NO!! I... I mean.. This is not what I meant. LOL When all he ever did was following orders for evil before and now he's been there all voluntarily. No force, no harm. Just there washing the dishes, helping out again. Feeling useful for the first time in his life. He finally started to feel like he belonged somewhere and the start of a good friendship was going to unfold.From here on out everything just started to go south. Suddenly Beomseok's past bullies be appearing at the karaoke place. Beomseok starting to freak out and randomly lashing out on Youngi. Suho going after Youngi while Sieun asks if he's okay. Sieun was always the one asking if Beomseok is okay. Always looking for that conversation and trying to help him. Today I started this thought of: Sieun is like, what Juntae is to him for Beomseok. Sieun understands Beomseok and doesn't judge him and just wants to help him. Wants to be there for him. While Suho is out here in a completely different realm of understanding. Suho and Beomseok needed Sieun's understanding of things to help both of them out. To help Suho to understand Beomseok and vice versa. He was the middle ground, the observer, the analyst. The one who understood it all and just didn't want them to fight as a whole. Poor Sieun getting flachbacks to his parents fighting over him and then sees his friends fighting each other. See what I mean when I say that I don't like fighting. Can't we do something about it without lashing out on each other or hitting each other? Sieun must have gotten so scared and worried witnessing all this.So Beomseok started to hide from his past bullies cause they kept calling him and he didn't know what to do anymore and the first response is to run away and hide. Sieun started to worry about him and told Suho so they both went to see him. Then both of them started to get an inside look on Beomseok's life. He told them that he's adopted and then started to tell them about his bullies. And again Suho reacting with anger for the bullies while Sieun basically staring down Beomseok and asking him if he's okay. It's so fascinating to watch how different people can react to such information and they both care a lot for Beomseok, just in their own special way. For Beomseok Suho was the warm kind and caring, always ready to fight for him kind of father/older brother figure that he never had. While Sieun was this loving and understanding mother figure that he also truly needed. The way they all needed each other so much in their lifes is crazy to think about. They were everything they needed in life for each other. Like puzzle pieces clicking into place.And now we arrived at the turning point. Suho suggesting to go and meet them and have them apologize to Beomseok. Like that was never a good idea. What made Suho think these idiots would apologize to Beomseok in the first place? Like I literally thought Suho would end up hitting them themselves so much so they would end up on the floor apologizing to Beomseok. Like this would have just made sense. But for some reason Suho wanted them to genuinely apologize to Beomseok. Thinking this would solve everything? I still don't understand this thought process to be real honest. LOL Also the way Suho got so surprised by Beomseok basically wanting to hit his bully to the point of needing an ambulance. That moment Suho telling Beomseok to just hit them once cause they weren't apologizing was kind of funny to me. Cause again what did he think is going to happen? Like him hitting them once and that would be it and they could leave? Like.. Seriously what was Suho thinking? LOL Watching his surprised face, I wanted to tell him: told you so, like so bad. Sieun just being there though. LOL Watching everything unfold in front of his very eyes. I wonder what he was thinking this whole time.Suho realizing what the fuck he just started. LOL Started to stop Beomseok and he wasn't having it. He finally was able to get his revenge he's been dying for, for years probably. Beomseok had a full on Sieun moment going on and it was even harder to stop him. Suho probably thought Beomseok is gonna react in a similar way Sieun did back then. Little did he know. Beomseok was so not having it. It was the old: don't tell me what to do. Who do you think you are? Why are you stopping me now? You told me to hit them and now you're trying to hold me back? Do you really think I'm gonna listen to you now just because you say so? When you can relate to hating to get told what to do a bit too much...Now Suho and Beomseok ended up fighting and Sieun just wanted them to stop. While Suho just wanted to help and then have him come back to his senses to not give in to the dark side. Beomseok filled with hatred couldn't control himself any longer and anyone who would stop him now is gonna be his enemy.Then it all escalated in the cafeteria. Sieun beforehand wanted to discuss about Beomseok. He wanted to help him. Suho wasn't really having it. Beomseok was the enemy now and Suho saw no coming back from it. But Sieun just wanted both of his friends back. Wanted them all to be happy again. It was hard getting through to them. As an outsider Sieun fully understood what was happening but they just hated each other now and there was no going back. Beomseok was even provoking Suho now just adding to his whole new kind of powerful self not wanting for Suho to win. In the end Suho won and Sieun again just watching everything crumble cause they both just won't ever give in to each other.Seeing Suho laying there unconscious in the boxing ring after they were all done with him snapped Beomseok right out of everything really. The darkness left him all right in that moment and everything just came crashing down on him. In complete despair and disbelief and apologetic. He went up to Suho. He couldn't believe it. This was too real. He didn't want any of this. What happened? How did I end up here? Who did this? Who am I? This isn't me? What have I done? I am so sorry.Was it really entirely Beomseok's fault that Suho ended up in a coma? No it wasn't. Beomseok just took part in it and in the end might not even have been his fault as a whole cause he joined the kicking kind of late as well. Suho must have been already unconscious, if he wasn't already before they started ganging up on him and kicking him. Beomseok truly thought Suho's invincible. He would have been fine I think, if it wasn't for all the other factors that have happened prior to all of this. I mean he survived getting hit by a baseball bat okay! Also Beomseok's father's people. LOL Guy I have zero clue if this dude even has a name? LOL If they wouldn't have delayed the whole thing even further. Suho might have not been laying in coma as long as he did or at all even.Remember Suho got hit on the head with a fricking baseball bat and magically survived that and did not drop dead or something. Cause seriously?! How does one survive that though? Hello? Also the whole thing of Suho ending up in the hospital and Beomseok's adopted father's people or whatever paying for it all. But absolutely noone checking his head? He must have been bleeding on the head. Sieun must have asked about the bloodstains he saw on the floor. How the hell did this all go unnoticed or completely untouched? WHY WAS NOONE CHECKING SUHOS HEAD EXCUSE ME?? Then Suho probably getting yet another concussion with that motorbike accident after Beomseok ordered them to mess with Suho's motorbike brakes. And in the end that mma dude be literally kicking him in the head. Suho got in the ring already feeling dizzy remember? He was already absolutely not fine at all.So no Suho ending up in a coma was never entirely Beomseok's fault. And if you want to consider every single little thing. Then Beomseok was just one of the factors. Just one of the multiple reasons Suho ended up the way he did. Still mainly indirectly and the kicking not having any real impact at all. Am I defending Beomseok? Maybe? Kind of? He still should have never done what he did. It wasn't worth it. But this is what happens when.. Starting the StarWars soundtrack.. You turn to the dark side. This time there were no cookies. I need to stop.. LOL (Come to the dark side we have cookies... I'm fine guys.. LOL)

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Hot takeHear me out and please don't kill me plus my opinion on what kind of drama whc is

Diese Menschen, die sich so ängstlich zusammentun, sind voll von Angst und voll von Bosheit, keiner traut dem andern. Sie hängen an Idealen, die keine mehr sind, und steinigen jeden, der ein neues aufstellt.
Herrmann Hesse : Demian / Siebtes Kapitel : Frau Eva – S. 108These creatures, who move about so uneasily in crowds, are full of fear and full of wickedness, no one trusts the other. They adhere to ideals which have ceased to exist, and they stone everyone who proposes a new one. - Herrmann Hesse : Demian"To me whc is not a love story. It's not a romance drama. It is not gay."There I said it. I'm sorry. I've been having these thoughts that are literally destroying me for about 2 month now or longer. These are just my thoughts guys and not intended to fight anyone with it. I am mainly just very confused. I just wish for people to not get hated for their thoughts essentially. Everyone is allowed to think whatever they want. Just because someone else is having different thought than you on a fictional story (or anyhting really) doesn't immediately have to mean they're bad people. Doesn't have to mean they're dumb. Everyone is allowed to have their own interpretation of a fictional story and think whatever they want of it. That's also the fun of it all. I love to read everyone's different thoughts about whc even if some completely be destroying my brain cauing even more confusion. There is never truly the one and only truth if you really think about it. There is a reason why researchers.. I don't know media critics and all that is a whole thing. Why we learn abou thow do analyse a story in school. To be able to make out all the different aspects of the story, that we only got to know about from all these other people who analysed the story before us. It is okay to have debates about each other's different opinions and interpretations... I just don't want to fight guys...Like I don't know what to do. LOL It's hilarious cause I myself am quite the fan of BL but I'm also not the biggest fan of the behavior I saw from shippers online. But you know what's funny. I've been on Twitter/X before whc2 dropped and saw all the shipper's contents and everyone being like: yeah it is definitely gay. And showing proof and all that and I was getting into it for literal funsies. LOL Just plainly as I said I am into BL. LOL Plus it also started to make sense. Like I could see their vision. It was literally getting to my head.And now guess what. LOL I literally kept that mindset and re-watched season one and.. and.. didn't see anything. LOL Like I don't know why but I did NOT get those vibes at all, with season 2 as well. LOL And now here I am in between everything. LOL Like I enjoy the shipper's contents literally just for funsies as this whole other realm. LOL But then again I cannot see whc as anything gay at all. Like.. I don't get it.. and to be honest I don't want to get it. For me whc is the strongest soulmate fricking friendship (also very strong family bond kind of vibes) I haven't seen in the longest time and I don't know if I will ever see that as gay. Literally after watching it I've been wrecking my brain like a pure maniac trying to understand the shippers. LOL But yeah... I am quite into the ship for fanfiction purposes only.All I want is for people to stop fighting if it's only literally about having a different opinion on their relationship they're in or what whc is about as a whole. Everyone has their own mind and own interpretation which is totally fine. But please don't go around and be telling people that your opinion or the way you see things is the only truth and everyone else who won't agree with it gets declared as an enemy or something. There is literally zero reason to fight each other just because you have a different opinion or interpretation on a fricking fictional story.For me the point of whc is not about it being gay or not. To me it's a very complex drama with a lot of different seperate topics. It just makes you think about your own life. It makes you reconsider your own choices you did or are about to make. There are so many aspects to the story that I lost count. Also so many things un-answered. So much space for your own interpretation. You can connect with whc in so many differet ways. It makes you think outside the box.It is not a lovestory. It literally does not matter if Suho and Sieun are gay or not, or if anyone else is gay or not. The point is Suho and Sieun have a deep connection and it literally doesn't matter whatever that actually truly means or was intended to mean.I just wish whc to be open for interpretation in every way cause again it's just a fictional story. I don't actually want it to be branded anything specifically unless it's for trigger warning purposes. You could tag whc all sorts of things actually just because there is literally so much going on in there. I also don't want it be branded anything too specific because people tend to be sacred of tags. Tend to skip something just because they saw a certain tag they don't like. I just wish for people to be open minded. Try out new things. Don't think too much of it. I saw so many movies especially without even reading the plot or even watching a trailer. I just saw the fricking movie poster and was like: okay let's go. LOL No I'm actually not kidding at all. LOL I did this way too many times and saw all sorts of strange things. LOL But to me this is the fun of it. I love watching or reading stories so much. I love finding new things. Learning about new things. Learning about a whole different mindset one can have. Just because it is just so fascinating and so much fun.I also have such a hard time recommending people a movie or a drama. First because I don't want to say anything because I literally don't know how to tell the the story without spoiling it. I also don't want to tell them anything at all and just want them to jump into it cause it makes the experience so much better. I do be giving out trigger warnings thought when something is too sad or too traumatising or there are a lot of nudity and things like that.I just don't want whc to be recommended as a BL. Just plainly because there is so much more to the whole story. I don't want people to skip whc just because they're not into BL and heard it's a BL. I want people to interpret the story however they please. Too many times did I watch people skip something just because of certain tags or just plainly because they heard it doesn't have a good rating or they read reviews about people not enjoying it. Just watch the god damn thing without getting any other opinion from noone get to your head. Go watch the damn thing and build your own fricking opinion on it. To me this is the whole point of watching or reding a story. Don't get influenced by other people's opinon. Too many people first skipping things because of other people's opinions and then finally getting to it and loving it and suddenly don't understand everyone else hating on it. I also am guilty of not watching too many dramas at first just because the whole hybe about it annoyed the shit out of me. Like give me time. LOL Don't be constantly rubbing it into my face that I have to watch it. If you do it I will stray even further. LOLSo all in all this is my own opinion and interpretation and my own thoughts. It's okay if you don't like it. That's totally understandable. I contemplated so long to even put this in here or not. But as I said it kept destroying me and I feel like I needed to share my thoughts on this as well. So I hope you understand.

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Links

Hermann Hesse
Demian : Die Geschichte von Emil Sinclairs Jugend
eBook Suhrkamp Verlag Berlin 2011 – eISBN 978-3-518-76580-7English versions:
I mainly used the version from the gutenberg website. But because this version had literally missing parts, I had to resort to another free online version, that I found.https://gutenberg.org/cache/epub/74222/pg74222-images.html
https://www.holybooks.com/the-most-complete-collection-of-the-books-by-hermann-hesse/
https://www.holybooks.com/wp-content/uploads/Demian-By-Hermann-Hesse.pdfThe bible:
https://www.die-bibel.de/bibel/LU17,BB/GEN.4YouTube:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSrJPfhtW2SxcHV6yGXCn8ofRNZ11FMtGhttps://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLSrJPfhtW2SxsmctZUStNbmHt0y6bfuEwTwitter/X:
https://x.com/symptoms_of123u/status/1939097000273739891